Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Mugging


I was sitting there on the ground spacing out when two thugs jumped me from behind.  I was taken completely off-guard and it took me a few seconds to comprehend what was happening.  In that time, I suffered multiple blows to my ribs and was caught in a headlock.  I was knocked over to the side with the bigger thug’s arm around my neck and the smaller thug punching me in the solar plexus. I managed to knee the smaller guy off of me while I rolled onto the bigger guy so that my back was now on top of him. 

The little guy recovered and charged at me like Dick Butkus.  I shook off the headlock and sat up to try to fend off the wild rhino attack.  The bigger thug took this opportunity to squirm out from under me and I lost track of him as the little guy soared through the air with a psychotic smile on his face of terror.

His momentum took me back down and he was on top of me.  My hockey instincts took over which is weird since I don’t play hockey and I pulled the mugger’s shirt from his back up and over his head making him blind and limiting his arm movements.  This gave me the chance I needed to push him off me and take an offensive position.  However, as I tried to stand up, the little fucker backed up and I ended up holding his inside out shirt while the big fucker jumped on my back again.

I did another roll on the floor to lose him and finally came up in a squatting fight position ready to take on my aggressors.  I tied the little fuck’s shirt around my head like a banshee and said, “Bring it, punks.”

They both screamed, “Attack,” and charged at me.  The big one swatted at my headband shirt but ended up getting only a little slice of my face from under my eye instead.  Apparently these hooligans haven’t heard of nail clippers.  I ignored the blood and body slammed the little one to the ground.  Then as the big one came in for second swipe, I grabbed his arm and pulled him to the ground on top of his partner in crime.

Then I jumped on top of both monsters and tickled them to no end.  They were crying with laughter and began to not be able to breathe.  They both finally yelled, “I’m a monkey’s bottom,” and it was over.

I rose up a champion and I celebrated with a victory dance of epic proportions.  There was hip swaying, woot wooting, in your facing and quite a bit of fancy footwork.  The boys were so impressed that they joined me and suddenly a street brawl turned into a dance fest. 

We finally collapsed in exhaustion, I put a towel on my bleeding face and we watched Good Luck Charlie together.

20 comments:

  1. Those are the very best moments right there. Glad you could celebrate the victory with those defeated.

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    1. Someday they will be able to kick my ass. Until then, I will show no mercy!

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  2. I bet they took your wallet though!

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    1. They are indeed tiny capitalists. Daddy, can we buy this? Can we get that? After being told no so many times, it wouldn't surprise me if they lift my wallet!

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  3. You're having too much fun - I'm jealous!

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  4. Best. Story. Ever. You're such a great dad, pal.

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    1. Oh stop! Glad to see you telling so many stories lately. Keep it up!

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  5. I never knew fatherhood was so dangerous!

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    1. It is totally dangerous. Risk of injury and mini disasters are part of the package.

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  6. You took a beating like a boss.
    (And thanks for reminding me that my son the Hobo needs to clip his disgusting toenails ;). )

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    1. I forget about their nails all the time. Apparently their mom does too. And apparently honey badger don't care about their fucking nails.

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  7. Phew! At first I thought you had actually been mugged. I was hoping everything turned out ok... When I got to the point where you pinned them both down and tickled them, I knew it had to be your boys. Enjoy the moment Bret. These will be the memories they hold on to for a long time. You will too. Sounds like you guys had a blast. That is so awesome.

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    1. It was totally real. By kids mugged me big time! :)

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    2. I'm sure when it was over- you hugged them too!

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  8. You had me going for a minute there. Great story, happy ending.

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    1. We usually play until somebody cries, so yeah, it was a good happy ending.

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  9. You're a good dad :) Initially, I was thinking, shit -I always thought Denver was so passive... lol.

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  10. Another awesome (and well-written) post. You guys have a lot of fun together.

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Gimmie some lip