The Biggest Concern for Guys When Getting Divorced

Ever since I got divorced, I’ve become a go-to guy for dudes having marriage problems.  They have seen that divorce can be an amicable experience based on what happened with my ex and me.  They have also seen me be the happy camper that I am and they really want that too.

They haven’t necessarily seen that no matter how amicable it is, divorce sucks.  Some of the worst days of my life occurred during the divorce process.  So no, I am not a proponent of divorce.  I am a proponent of happiness and if somebody isn’t happy in their marriage my advice to them is to fix it, not get out of it.   But if it can’t be fixed, then sure, get out. 

When friends call to talk about their shit, I listen and I share my experiences.  If they want advice, I give it to them.  But sometimes some friends of friends call and I have a harder time with them.  I’m not a therapist.  Nor am I lawyer.  Nor am I an expert on relationships – mine failed! 

The funny thing about all this, and yes, there is funny shit having to do with it all; is that none of these guys facing divorce have really considered the most important and potentially most difficult part of divorce.

Some of these guys are worried about money.  Whatever.  Money can be made.  If you aren’t happy in your marriage, don’t make things worse by fighting over cash.  Make sure your kids are well taken care of and be fair with your ex.  Money isn’t worth more pain.

Some guys want to discuss lawyers versus mediators.  Based on my money comment, just get a mediator and make it as simple as possible. 

Some guys want to talk about custody.  What’s the problem?  Go for 50/50, make sure neither person can leave town and figure out your schedule.

Some guys want to know about moving out.  Some want to talk about how to tell family members.  Some want a referral to a therapist.  Some want to know how to tell the kids.

Dudes, none of this stuff is all that difficult.  Painful, yes.  But not hard.  None of these chumps have any idea what they are really facing.  So I brush off all their stupid questions and concerns and finally ask them if they really want to know what to worry about.

Dude: Yes Brett, tell me the most important thing about divorce.

Brett:  Your balls dude.  Your balls. 

Dude: What about them?

Brett:  You have to shave them.

Dude:  What?  I’ve been married for ten years.  I’ve never even manscaped. 

Brett:  I’m sure that is one of your many problems in your marriage.  If you are getting out and plan on dating again, you have to shave your fucking balls.

Dude:  Why?

Brett:  Chicks don’t want to navigate through the jungle down there.  And if you want your sack handled and sucked, then you can’t be sporting a chia pet package.

Dude: Shit.  Well, I don’t really care if anyone sucks on my balls, so I’m good right?

Brett:  Hell to the no, you are not good.  Think about it.  Things are hot and heavy with your date and when you get in her pants, she will be bald.  Or bald with a landing strip or tiny patch at the most.  And you will dig it.  She will get in your pants and wonder if you shoved your kid’s puffle in your pants. 

Dude: Puffle?

Brett: Furry stuffed animal.  Giant hairball.  Bushorama.  The point is you can’t have a giant pube party going on with your ball sack.  You gotta shave that shit.

Dude:  Every day?

Brett:  No, not every day.  But you have to keep it neat and trim.  And give it a full shave as much as you need.  It probably depends on how often you are showing off your goods. 

Dude:  Oh my god.

Brett:  I know buddy.  It’s a little traumatic at age 42 to find out you need to shave your balls regularly.

Dude:  How do you do it?

Brett:  Very fucking carefully.

Year of the Travels

Freedom is a liberating thing.  I love redundant redundancies.  I also love contradictory ways of living.  Such as my love for coffee shops and hatred for coffee.  One of my bigger contradictory modes of operation is that I truly try to live in the moment while still planning ahead.  I am very impulsive while upholding my responsibilities and obligations as a father and business owner.

I don’t worry about shit, particularly what may or may not happen tomorrow.  But I do have a fifteen-year plan.  I didn’t consciously come up with this plan.  It came to me.  My youngest kid will be 21 in fifteen years.  I am about to close on a new house of which I will take out a fifteen-year loan.  I have a few other real estate holdings that in fifteen years will be wake up money.  My company is fifteen years old.  I still have big plans for my company and the sky is the limit.  But I will personally separate myself from daily operations in fifteen years or less.

In fifteen years, I plan on being homeless, traveling the world, writing, adventuring, meeting people, seeing, feeling, experiencing and living in the moment.  I may or may not have someone along for the ride. 

In the meantime, I am practicing for that moment in fifteen years when my freedom is fairly maximized.  Many people mistakenly call 2012 the year of the dragon.  I call it the year of travel.  When I don’t have my kids, I plan on traveling.  When I do have my kids, I plan on traveling.  I just have to work once in awhile and I’ll take advantage of work traveling needs as well.

So far in this calendar year all I’ve done is Las Vegas.  It was a great kick-off.  Next up is South Dakota and San Francisco.  Yes, I know South Dakota and San Francisco are basically the same trip, but I told you I love redundancies.  There could be other trips sneaking in, but then I’ve got a ski weekend to Steamboat Springs.  Then I hope to do San Diego with my kids for spring break.  I might hit Vegas again in late March or early April.  Next is Jazz Fest the last weekend of April in New Orleans.   You NOLA people email me so we can meet up!!

I think May is wide open.  Holy cow, any ideas?  June will include a trip to Florida with my boys to take part in celebrating my parents’ 50^th wedding anniversary.  Wow, I only made it 13 years! 

July is open for now.  August is Burning Man in the desert of Nevada.  It will be a hell of a road trip just to get there.  I haven’t planned past August yet.  I will have to have one or two Chicago trips in there for sure. I’d love to hit New York City again.   Mexico is an easy boondoggle from here.  Overseas?

I can travel alone, with a date, with my kids or with the guys.  All are fun in their own ways and I enjoy every situation.  This life is one long adventure and part of it is exploring both old and new territories.  I have found myself saying ‘yes’ when anyone suggests a trip.  Why not?  I am free in mind and spirit.  And I can free up time too.  Plus, think of the blog fodder!

Watch out – I could be coming to a city near you.  Call in the National Guard, change the batteries in your fire alarm and for heaven’s sake, don’t forget your protective goggles and yellow rubber boots.  I can be a handful and often find myself in odd situations.  Just remember the safety word:  Freedom!

Vegas Out Of Context

I just returned from a long weekend in Sin City with a bunch of friends.  Nobody got arrested or hurt, so I’d say it was a successful trip.  I take that back – my wallet got hurt pretty badly, but the price of entertainment softened the blow. 

My buddy said, “I just want to remind everyone that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas and on my Facebook page.”  I defriended him immediately. Not being one to kiss and tell (unless you ask me directly), I will only recap out of context – way out of context.  Things said and heard in no particular order:

·       Your hair is purple again.

·       Unless we hang out with P Diddy.

·       I love single moms.

·       Look at the midgets!

·       I’m glad we didn’t get soaked by blood.

·       I’m cold.

·       Which hooker shoes do you want me to wear?

·       I’m looking forward to a shower.

·       I went to sleep alone and woke up next to The Hut.

·       Woo Woo Girl.

·       There is another Elvis!

·       Wow!

·       She is trying too hard.

·       I love bacon so much.

·       Happy little red chips.

·       You are out of my age demographic.

·       We are going to Home Sauce?

·       Look at the slow motion fight! Oh, now they are going to kiss.  No, they are fighting again.

·       I get dibs on Vegas!

·       Behave.

·       There is a guy asleep at the bar.

·       I’m leaving this table ahead damn it!

·       Did you bring the blowjob stuff?

·       That pull is a push.

·       Did you get the bacon video?

·       Honey badger don’t care.

·       Do you know who Franco Harris is?

·       Somebody is puking all over the men’s room (at 10am).

·       The glass elevator is great for looking up skirts.  She has on pink panties.

·       That was reckless.

·       Let’s buy that pouch of vodka.

·       She is more hooker than you.

·       Big Man Little Dog (in a track suit).