To the Twenty Women I Texted Late Saturday Night

Small talk is for losers.  When I’m out with my buddies at the local watering hole, we always have in-depth intellectual conversations on a variety of subjects.  Yes, sports and women inevitably fall in there somewhere between discussions on world affairs, philosophy, religion, science, the economy, public policy, business, fatherhood, health, giving back to the community, education and oh so much more.  Who am I kidding? We talk sports and women about 97.7% of the time.

Sometimes even us guys don’t have all the answers.  We stumped ourselves on one particular topic in terms of the every day woman and her ability to accomplish a certain feat. We are really good at speculating but in this case, we wanted to hear from experts.

Who needs Survey Monkey when there is buzzed texting? On Saturday night, you may have been one of the twenty women I texted with a very important question.  I thank you for your participation.

Here is the background.  I can’t remember how in the world this subject came up, but trust me; it didn’t seem all that odd at the time.  One of the guys asked about men giving themselves blowjobs.  He assumed there are guys out there that can suck their own cock. His theory was that if a guy could suck his own cock, he’d do it all the time.  Clearly if my friend that brought this up could lick his own balls, he would and would often.  Then somebody stepped it up and asked if you could suck your own cock, would you swallow? This created a lot of laughs and accusations.

We were grossing ourselves out and when one of the guys suggested we YouTube it, we collectively shuddered and shifted the topic to women.  The question as asked via text to a sample survey of twenty women carefully chosen from my database (aka, gals in my text list I knew would be happy to answer):

Question from us guys. Can a chick lick her own pussy?

The results were interesting.  Most interesting perhaps were the number of women who simply answered with no regard to why I was asking, context or the obnoxiousness of the situation.  Is this kind of question expected from me? Responses in order of receiving them:

#1 – No.

This was a little disappointing for the first response.  I wondered if perhaps responder number one didn’t appreciate the question or was maybe even irritated by it.  I began to form an apology in my head when more answers started pouring in.

#2 – I can’t. Maybe someone that is incredibly flexible?  A contortionist?

I responded that Google says auto fellatio.  She wrote: That’s the term for it. I saw porn with a guy sucking his own cock.  Seems an easier accomplishment, given the obvious.

I wrote that is how the convo started.  We assumed guys can do it. Not sure with women.  She wrote: I’m pretty sure anything is possible.

Her answers got us a little excited. Then #3 came in.

#3 – Are you guys retarded? I’m in NYC and passing out.

That was a legit follow up question to our question.  Considering the hour in NYC, I was proud of her sensible response despite not addressing the answer.

#4 – Depends on the chick.

This answer was from the girl on the plane that sat between Tom and I on the way back from Vegas a couple weeks ago.  It was a fun flight home. I wonder if she regrets giving us her digits.

#5 – Ogcourse.

That is strokey for ‘of course.’  MoMo is a lazy texter anyway, but having had a stroke recently gives her an all-time hall pass for nonsense.  This was an easy translation and interesting feedback from a chick that does a lot of yoga and workouts.

#6 – Who is this?

That one cracked me up.   Maybe I’ve already been blacklisted from this woman’s contacts.  Perhaps it’s not so odd that I asked this question.

#7 – (this responder actually called me – here are excerpts of the voicemail): “Seriously Brett?  I come home, I pick up my phone and the first message I see is ‘question from the guys, can a girl lick her own vagina?’  First off, the answer is noooooooooo, unless she is some sort of yoga master or pilates master, the average woman, noooooooooo.  Did you get the whole no part?  But mostly why of allllllll the women on the planet you are friends with, why would you ask that question of me? Are you sitting here thinking I am devising plans to lick myself? I don’t think so. So, of all the people you know, I am actually the worst person to ask that question.  I am just curious Brett, why did you think of Kimberli? Because she is so awesome, because she is so incredible, because she is so knowledgeable, because she is so Catholic?!!”

Kimmie, you know I love making you uncomfortable. Clearly the answer to your question is because you are so Catholic and because you get repulsed so easily with pussy talk.

#8 – It’s possible I’m sure if a girl is some freaky contortionist.  If us girls could lick our own pussy, we would do it all the time.

This is probably a great follow up survey.  If you could lick your own pussy, would you and how often?

#9 – Hmmmm, doubtful but I’m sure there is some Cirque chick that could prove me wrong. Question from barely awake me: If you could suck your own would you? Is that gay? Night.

That is an interesting question about if its gay. If you suck your own cock, is that gay? If you masturbate, that isn’t gay.  But sucking cock, even if it’s your own, sure seems gay.  The next morning, #9 had an unsolicited follow up:

I’m sorry, upon further reflection the answer to your question is yes, but she should make sure it’s declawed.

Ba-dum-dum.

#10 – I wish.

Short and sweet.  And hot.

#11 – No, I don’t think so.

I liked the seriousness of this answer, like she is really trying to be helpful.

#12 – Hold please. Nope. Maybe if she’s super bendy?

I wonder what the holding period was for? Did she Google it? Did she conduct her own poll? Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, she tried to lick her own pussy! Well, the good news is she can skip sit-ups for the day’s workout.

#13 – Did you guys find your answer to this? If not, the formula for probability is tongue length + torso length / flexibility, I think.

It’s too bad this answer came in the next morning.  We totally could have gotten out a white board and done some on-site calculations with the female clientele of the bar.

#14 – LOL, I don’t know any that can.  More fun when got a manly man like yourself to do that job anyway. Wink.

Note to self, pay a visit to #14 ASAP.

#15 – Who are you kidding? If we could do that why would we need men?!

Duh. To take out garbage, kill spiders and make minor repairs around the house.

#16 – Why do the work yourself when you can delegate?

She makes it sound like reverse immigration.  Heading down to work south of the border.

I am very impressed with the response rate of 80%.  Only four women chose not to respond. Perhaps they were busy licking themselves.