Ever since I got divorced, I’ve become a go-to guy for dudes having marriage problems. They have seen that divorce can be an amicable experience based on what happened with my ex and me. They have also seen me be the happy camper that I am and they really want that too.
They haven’t necessarily seen that no matter how amicable it is, divorce sucks. Some of the worst days of my life occurred during the divorce process. So no, I am not a proponent of divorce. I am a proponent of happiness and if somebody isn’t happy in their marriage my advice to them is to fix it, not get out of it. But if it can’t be fixed, then sure, get out.
When friends call to talk about their shit, I listen and I share my experiences. If they want advice, I give it to them. But sometimes some friends of friends call and I have a harder time with them. I’m not a therapist. Nor am I lawyer. Nor am I an expert on relationships – mine failed!
The funny thing about all this, and yes, there is funny shit having to do with it all; is that none of these guys facing divorce have really considered the most important and potentially most difficult part of divorce.
Some of these guys are worried about money. Whatever. Money can be made. If you aren’t happy in your marriage, don’t make things worse by fighting over cash. Make sure your kids are well taken care of and be fair with your ex. Money isn’t worth more pain.
Some guys want to discuss lawyers versus mediators. Based on my money comment, just get a mediator and make it as simple as possible.
Some guys want to talk about custody. What’s the problem? Go for 50/50, make sure neither person can leave town and figure out your schedule.
Some guys want to know about moving out. Some want to talk about how to tell family members. Some want a referral to a therapist. Some want to know how to tell the kids.
Dudes, none of this stuff is all that difficult. Painful, yes. But not hard. None of these chumps have any idea what they are really facing. So I brush off all their stupid questions and concerns and finally ask them if they really want to know what to worry about.
Dude: Yes Brett, tell me the most important thing about divorce.
Brett: Your balls dude. Your balls.
Dude: What about them?
Brett: You have to shave them.
Dude: What? I’ve been married for ten years. I’ve never even manscaped.
Brett: I’m sure that is one of your many problems in your marriage. If you are getting out and plan on dating again, you have to shave your fucking balls.
Brett: Chicks don’t want to navigate through the jungle down there. And if you want your sack handled and sucked, then you can’t be sporting a chia pet package.
Dude: Shit. Well, I don’t really care if anyone sucks on my balls, so I’m good right?
Brett: Hell to the no, you are not good. Think about it. Things are hot and heavy with your date and when you get in her pants, she will be bald. Or bald with a landing strip or tiny patch at the most. And you will dig it. She will get in your pants and wonder if you shoved your kid’s puffle in your pants.
Brett: Furry stuffed animal. Giant hairball. Bushorama. The point is you can’t have a giant pube party going on with your ball sack. You gotta shave that shit.
Dude: Every day?
Brett: No, not every day. But you have to keep it neat and trim. And give it a full shave as much as you need. It probably depends on how often you are showing off your goods.
Dude: Oh my god.
Brett: I know buddy. It’s a little traumatic at age 42 to find out you need to shave your balls regularly.
Dude: How do you do it?
Brett: Very fucking carefully.