Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Biggest Concern for Guys When Getting Divorced


Ever since I got divorced, I’ve become a go-to guy for dudes having marriage problems.  They have seen that divorce can be an amicable experience based on what happened with my ex and me.  They have also seen me be the happy camper that I am and they really want that too.

They haven’t necessarily seen that no matter how amicable it is, divorce sucks.  Some of the worst days of my life occurred during the divorce process.  So no, I am not a proponent of divorce.  I am a proponent of happiness and if somebody isn’t happy in their marriage my advice to them is to fix it, not get out of it.   But if it can’t be fixed, then sure, get out. 

When friends call to talk about their shit, I listen and I share my experiences.  If they want advice, I give it to them.  But sometimes some friends of friends call and I have a harder time with them.  I’m not a therapist.  Nor am I lawyer.  Nor am I an expert on relationships – mine failed! 

The funny thing about all this, and yes, there is funny shit having to do with it all; is that none of these guys facing divorce have really considered the most important and potentially most difficult part of divorce.

Some of these guys are worried about money.  Whatever.  Money can be made.  If you aren’t happy in your marriage, don’t make things worse by fighting over cash.  Make sure your kids are well taken care of and be fair with your ex.  Money isn’t worth more pain.

Some guys want to discuss lawyers versus mediators.  Based on my money comment, just get a mediator and make it as simple as possible. 

Some guys want to talk about custody.  What’s the problem?  Go for 50/50, make sure neither person can leave town and figure out your schedule.

Some guys want to know about moving out.  Some want to talk about how to tell family members.  Some want a referral to a therapist.  Some want to know how to tell the kids.

Dudes, none of this stuff is all that difficult.  Painful, yes.  But not hard.  None of these chumps have any idea what they are really facing.  So I brush off all their stupid questions and concerns and finally ask them if they really want to know what to worry about.

Dude: Yes Brett, tell me the most important thing about divorce.

Brett:  Your balls dude.  Your balls. 

Dude: What about them?

Brett:  You have to shave them.

Dude:  What?  I’ve been married for ten years.  I’ve never even manscaped. 

Brett:  I’m sure that is one of your many problems in your marriage.  If you are getting out and plan on dating again, you have to shave your fucking balls.

Dude:  Why?

Brett:  Chicks don’t want to navigate through the jungle down there.  And if you want your sack handled and sucked, then you can’t be sporting a chia pet package.

Dude: Shit.  Well, I don’t really care if anyone sucks on my balls, so I’m good right?

Brett:  Hell to the no, you are not good.  Think about it.  Things are hot and heavy with your date and when you get in her pants, she will be bald.  Or bald with a landing strip or tiny patch at the most.  And you will dig it.  She will get in your pants and wonder if you shoved your kid’s puffle in your pants. 

Dude: Puffle?

Brett: Furry stuffed animal.  Giant hairball.  Bushorama.  The point is you can’t have a giant pube party going on with your ball sack.  You gotta shave that shit.

Dude:  Every day?

Brett:  No, not every day.  But you have to keep it neat and trim.  And give it a full shave as much as you need.  It probably depends on how often you are showing off your goods. 

Dude:  Oh my god.

Brett:  I know buddy.  It’s a little traumatic at age 42 to find out you need to shave your balls regularly.

Dude:  How do you do it?

Brett:  Very fucking carefully.


33 comments:

  1. Hahahahahhahah....I should ask Boyfriend (he's divorced) his experience with the ball shaving. The last line is priceless.

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  2. If any men are reading this right now and wondering if you're serious... let me help you out. DO IT! Personally, I don't think they need to be completely shaved, but let's be honest... most men don't think they need to be TRIMMED. When in doubt, guys... less is more. For those of you who wonder about the rest of the hair down there, the flag pole always looks nicer when the grass is mowed around it. It looks proud and tall.

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  3. I am so thankful Mr. W was already doing that before we met. Ball fro ain't no fun.

    This post reminded me of the scene in Sleepless in Seattle when Rob Reiner is explaining tiramisu to Tom Hanks. Except this was much dirtier...

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  4. This... This may be my favorite post of yours to date.

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  5. Excellent advice on the marriage stuff. I got the same here. If you ever want a female perspective, hit them my way, ok? I'll be happy to help.

    Re: the balls. Well, ok. For me, I'd prefer the bush UNDER the cock, not necessarily the balls themselves. Especially if he doesn't like/want them sucked, why bother?

    The itch must be incredible.

    new word learned this week; Gooch. The skin between the ball sack and the penis.

    Nice eh? A client told me.

    Used in a sentence "hey dude. I'm gonna tickle your gooch with a feather' ay aye aye.

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  6. "You got to shave that shit." Ha.

    I have been married for a long time, I enjoy it when I don't have to navigate the jungle. It's a bi-annual treat he gives me. Sigh.

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  7. HA! I wanna see this bit on the Today Show--you with a dead serious face explaining this to Lauer! (of course this is after you publish your Divorce Manual which becomes a top seller...)

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  8. You are a good friend. And the girls who may end up dating your maybe recently divorced friends thank you for stating that loud and clear. I'm guessing a lot less guys would go for divorce if they knew about the ball shaving stuff.

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  9. ACK!!

    :-)

    Not sure how I feel about this. :-) I think I may actually be on the old-fashioned side...

    Pearl

    p.s. WV is "penetrall". Hmmmm.

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  10. All I have to say, is that if I love you, you can come as you are.

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  11. @gia: Maybe you should shave his balls. It could be fun to do together. As long as you have a steady hand.

    @angie: Hopefully all two of my male readers will see this.

    @mel: Ball fro. That is good. See, Mr. W was out there dating and he knew he had to keep the jewels nicely polished.

    @aggy: You like balls.

    @smack: What kind of clients are you working with - sounds fun!

    @dawn: Just wait til it moves to annual.

    @chantel: Yes, I'd prefer to be very serious about everything before dropping, ahem, the ball.

    @randomgirl: One of my married friends that may as well go by Jungle Jim cringes when we talk about the subject. So I tell him all the time that I shaved my balls this morning, regardless of if I did or not. He squirms like a sissy.

    @pearl: What are you uncomfortable with? The sack in general? Shaved? The topic?

    @lickety: That is cool, however it reminds me of a funny greeting card that said something along the lines of "I hope you like me as much as I like you because I've already started to let myself go a little bit."

    @christine: Considering all the things women do to make themselves look/feel pretty, a little manscaping is the least we can do.

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  13. Trying again with spellcheck!

    I think this post needs a spew warning Wow! I almost ended up with lemonade on my monitor when I read this.

    This-
    >if you want your sack handled and sucked, then you can’t be sporting a chia pet package.<

    and this-
    >Brett: Furry stuffed animal. Giant hairball. Bushorama. The point is you can’t have a giant pube party going on with your ball sack. You gotta shave that shit.<

    Definitly had me trying not to spew. Also working hard on my poker face at work. Love ya for it Brett. You rock.

    I will tak nicely trimed vs. bald or Busharama for the win!

    WV is dshead, I'm not sure what to think!

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  14. Divorce is the root canal of relationships. I advise both men and women friends going through it to NOT make any important relationship decisions (like remarrying) for at least the two years following that it takes to get your head straight.

    And now, you can't accelerate the process, IT TAKES TWO YEARS... MINIMUM. During that time you will "think" you are in love again with that cute guy/girl who makes you feel so wanted on oh so many ways. TWO YEARS or you will be sentenced to a second divorce.

    I waited three and am married to a woman who I asked to marry me after we had known each other only 10 days! Been 26 years.

    Yes, I waited the two years... and yes, I still shave 'em.

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  15. Sage advice Sir. A little man-scaping goes a long way. Plus, it's just common courtesy. Dare I say, chivalrous, even?

    And I like how your friend's name is Dude. Just, Dude.

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  16. Brilliant! And so fucking true. I have become an expert at shaving my balls.

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  17. It seems that manscaping would be common sense. I don't get why men appreciate all of the things that women do to keep themselves neat and tidy but have to be told to take care of themselves.

    Maybe you could address the wearing the same clothes every day thing, next time.

    Thanks.

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  18. Funny stuff! I have been divorced for about six months and separated for almost two. Everything you said was right on the money. Even about shaving! Ha!

    Since my marriage failed I have noticed a slight domino effect in my circle of friends. It's a shame because my ONLY advice to them is to work it out.

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  19. OMG LOL
    It's totally true though.

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  20. @onebadpixie: I'm just like you. I also spend a lot of time trying not to spew.

    @robert: It's funny what you learn about people. Now I will always know you shave your balls. That would be a fun way to introduce you. "Hi Betty. This is Robert. He shaves his balls."

    @vapidvixen: Hold doors open and shave the balls. Chivalry at its finest.

    @6FM: You play with them so much, I have no doubt you have achieved expert experience.

    @schwabbie: Hallelujah!

    @christinaM: We don't like to throw away our favorite shirt(s). And we are still evolving from neanderthal status. Women mature faster than men.

    @steve: Yeah, they come out of the woodwork once you announce your divorce. I helped one of my friends stick together, but most of the others were already beyond saving it and they just needed to know it would be okay.

    @amber: See? You like your man's balls shaved, right? Would you wear a t-shirt that says "I liked shaved balls"?

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  21. Good stuff here. And so well put. But you are 44 so 'fess up.

    Here is another Tip- if you are going to manscape the junk, the chest or the back, do it often. Never wait until you notice it, we have to feel that on us and it doesnt feel good no matter how soft and suckable your hairless sack may be.

    And divorce does suck. Also, Stop trying to sleep with your wife once you have planned to end the marriage.

    And dont go to an attorney while piss at your spouse. That on spells big cha-ching to the divorce lawyers.

    Have your people call my people.

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  22. You might want to invest in laser hair removal. Saves you a shit load in razors and wax.

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  23. I LOVE this! There should be a field on match.com that indicates the level of 'scaping (men and women) that you do...I would prefer to know that more than income!

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  24. Well if you want visitors then you should make the Welcome mat welcoming... ;) thanks for giving a heads up to the boys. It will save them and their new dates from a rather awkward conversation.

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  25. @momo: Yeah, but I was 42 when I figured out how important ball shaving is.

    @consciouslysedated: Lasers and wax on my ball sack?! I had no idea you are into torture. There is waaaaay too much give for wax, friend.

    @walkofshame: Ha, that is a good idea. Put it on the facebook too.

    @anon: I like to be very welcoming.

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  26. The bad news: I discovered this blog at work, and have been giggling obnoxiously for five minutes.
    The good news: I am your 300th blog member! Do I get a prize?

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  27. Have you seen the film 'Shameless'? Mr Fassbinder keeps a yeti in his pants - and he's a sex addict!

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  28. I am going to go way off the manscaped path and say I kind of prefer normal. Or natural. Or whatever it's called when you DON'T go all crazy with the bic. A little manscaping goes a long way, I'll give you that. I mean if we're talking jungle, tame it a snitch. But if I was going there for the first time with a guy and found him looking all pre-pubescent, I'd freak the fuck out. I like a man looking like a man.

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  29. You are doing the world a service with this post. Thank you.

    -From women everywhere

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  30. Ha! This is fucking funny. Thanks for this. I do feel sorry for those newly divorced who are about to enter the dating arena again. It is a brutal place. And so so easy to make bad choices.

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  31. Thank GOD someone is giving this advice. But I actually thought the most important point would be to remind them to change their facebook relationship status.

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Gimmie some lip