Tuesday, January 24, 2012

What I Really Want to Say

Parenting is like a yoyo.  Ups and downs.  And sometimes you just want to chuck the yoyo through the window.  Don’t get me wrong, my little boys are angels and I love them more than anything, even sex, although sometimes the latter is necessary to be able to handle the former.

As a single parent with in-person kid responsibilities half my life, there are times when I’ll have my little guys for days on end, without a ton of adult interaction.  In those circumstances my vocabulary is shortened as I need to leave out plenty of key words and phrases that I normally dish out like soup at the soup kitchen. 

For example, I eliminate the f-bomb when I have my kids.  This is not always easy.  Many times they seem to be purposely doing things to get me to say it.  But I refrain and then when I drop the boys off with their mom, I inevitably find somebody over 17 to swear at. 

17+ year old: “Welcome to Jimmy Johns, what can I make for you?”

Me:  “Yeah, give me a fucking number ten with cheese.”

Or a random stranger will make eye contact, probably because I’m smiling ear to ear being free of the rugrats after four straight days and they will say hello.  I will respond, “Fuck yeah hello.”

I might not have this problem if I could say what I want to say around my kids all the time without regard to them repeating any of it, being scarred for life, taking offense, or telling their mother.

Take a typical situation around the house.  Will and Drew are being normal brothers and pushing each other’s buttons.  They engage in the world famous banter that results in non stop harassment such as Will saying “DrewPoo” and Drew saying “stop” and Will saying “DrewPoo” and Drew saying “stop” and Will saying “DrewPoo” and Drew saying “stop” and this goes on about a dozen times with increasingly louder cadence before I say in a calm voice, “kids, please knock it off.”

Ideally, I could say what I was thinking which was a bellowing, “Would you two shut the fuck up? Geezus, you can be such irritating little assholes!”

Another good example.  “Hey guys, go get ready for bed.”  They are supposed to get in jammies, brush teeth, feed the fish and get in bed.  This should take five minutes or so.  Fifteen minutes later, one kid is running around in his underwear, the other is fully clothed and nobody has brushed his teeth.  I remind them to please settle down and just get ready for bed.  Then there is a loud thump in the bathroom with one kid laughing and one kid whining while they wrestle for sink space.  I say, “Can one of you feed the fish and put on jammies while the other brushes instead of both trying to brush at the exact same time?” 

If only I could say what I want.

“Hey guys, get ready for bed.”  Fifteen minutes later one kid is running around in his underwear, the other is fully clothed and nobody has brushed his teeth.  I remind them to settle down and get ready for bed by saying “Settle the fuck down, do your shit and get in the fucking bed!”  Then there is a loud thump with one kid laughing and one kid whining while they battle for sink space.  I say, “I am going to kick your little asses if you don’t get your act together!  Leave each other the fuck alone and one of you brush while the other feeds the fish before I decide to have late night sushi.”

And then of course I’d tuck them in and tell them how much I love them.  Little fuckers.


  1. Hahaha, I think you should just let loose with the fbombs, it'll be alright. ALSO - have you ever read "go the fuck to sleep"? Or heard samuel l jackson read it? Youtube it, its awesome.

  2. Oh man, Gia beat me to telling you about Go The Fuck To Sleep! Hilarious. Worth youtubing it for sure. I feel ya Dark and Stormy... I am currently on my third "Stop touching each other!!!" to two of my little irritating fuckers. Thank Cod it's almost dinner/bath/bed because I am ready to RELAX.

  3. Damn it! Gia and Jessica both made my book recommendation before I got here. It sounds like you could've written GTFTS yourself.

    If only you had a hot chick running around your house in her underwear wanting to wrestle and not go to sleep...

  4. And ditto. Only, when you pull up "Go The Fuck To Sleep"--be sure the damn office door is closed. Fuckin' kids hear entirely too much. WHY do I buy them earbuds?!

  5. When my grandkids came along, I had to completely eliminate the f-bomb from my vocabulary because it was likely to pop out without my even being aware of it. I miss it sometimes.

  6. Kids are terrible. This is probably we love them. Or something.

    Also, I've totally dropped a deliberate f-bomb or two. Sometimes, you have to show them the business end of a red-head's temper.

  7. @gia: Oh geez, I heard about about that and must be the last person (or parent anyway) on earth to have finally watched/read it. Yeah, I guess I'm a little behind the times in expressing what I expressed in this blog!

    @jessicab: I'm up to speed now. I guess my post is old, eh? Oh well!

    @mel: If only, amen!!! How can I get that to happen?

    @chantel: Good god, I've been in a cave to have missed this.

    @christine: Fuck an A thanks.

    @blissed: At least you knew you have no self control.

    @goldengirl: Yeah, I've been tempted to pull out the big guns but haven't needed to yet. Someday they will probably get it.

  8. Have you seen the book, "Go the fuck to sleep"? It's hysterical!

  9. Just do it, cuss the little Fockers out...I mean, my Mom did it and look how I turned out.
    Wait, what?
    Shit. Never mind.

  10. You are sooooo much better than me. My kids are familiar with Mommy's f-bombs. Loud thump after I know damn well I put them in bed 20 minutes ago? "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?" Mom of the Year, right here. I know. They know when the f-bomb hits, shit just got real.

    I have to say, I'm picturing you saying, "Give me a fucking number ten with cheese" and it's cracking me up.

  11. I've found that clenching my jaw very tightly while narrowing my eyes and speaking extremely softly freaks my kids the f*ck out. Even as teens I can scare them into submission simply by looking like the only thing saving them from becoming Jesus' new neighbor is my very fragile self control.

    Plus when I turn to walk away they can't see me smiling.

  12. You love little boys more than sex? Don't get angry at me. You said it, I just pointed it out.

    Oh, wait a minute. I get it now.

    Seriously... kids are worth it but sometimes enough is enough. I know now why as an adult my father muttered military academy a lot. He must have been talking about my sister. I was a fuckin' angel.

  13. @eva: Have you seen the comments above you?!

    @cinderita: Sounds like you can relate.

    @dawn: Last night I accidentally told Drew to stop hitting me in the ass. He didn't flinch. My guess is they have already heard it all.

    @summer: "What the fuck was that" could be our motto, tagline and theme song all in one at home.

    @angie: The calm and deadly stare absolutely works better than out-screaming them. I like that you employ the smile of satisfaction that they can't see. I just wonder if they are doing the same thing to you as your back is turned!

  14. @cunning: Nice of you to sneak in there with a rare appearance in order to lump me in with Sandusky. Thanks a lot brother! My mutterings aren't scary enough. They are either something about selling to gypsies or cutting their heads off and letting the crows peck out their eyeballs on the balcony. My kids just don't take me seriously enough!

  15. Reminds me of the "Go the fuck to sleep" book.

  16. So this is what I have to look forward to in a few years?

    Beautiful. Fucking Beautiful!

  17. :-)

    Nice post. Ya silly fucker.


  18. I swear at my kids. They are bitches and I am always full time mom and I get so tired of their angelic shit.

    Wow,soon enough the will be in their rooms mastebating endlessly.


  19. They would not dare smile. Generally as I'm smiling and walking away they have begun to turn on each other. There is no smiling involved in that.

    Her: If you would just pick up after yourself this wouldn't have happened. You're so annoying!

    Him: Whatever! That sock is yours. You're stupid!

    Her: Get out of my way. I am trying to get my things you idiot.

    Him: Yeah so am I and you're not the boss of the living room.

    At this point it may or may not devolve into a slap fest between them but their bedroom doors usually slam shortly after.

  20. You need to read them a bedtime story, something along the lines of "Go the Fuck To Sleep." Real book, I swear. Fucking google it.

  21. LOL
    I'm pretty sure there's a sibling law that says they have to find ONE name that irritates the hell out of their sibling

  22. I just realized that's not going to make any sense unless you've seen Team America. And even then...not really sure how it applies. Other than including the word fuck, which seems to be the appropriate response to this post.

    Also, there's this super awesome book called Go the Fuck to Sleep. You'd love it. I'm surprised no one's suggested it to you already.

  23. @epicfail: What are you talking about?

    @onebadpixie: Are we getting married or something? You can borrow my kids anytime you want.

    @pearl: Takes a silly fucker to know a silly fucker.

    @momo: Just like their mama.

    @entresnous: ;-)

    @angie: Sibling fights are always the best because they tend to involve lots of insults that have nothing to do with the original argument.

    @consciouslysedated: I can't find a thing on that book. Never heard of it.

    @amber: It just happens organically doesn't it?

    @vapidvixen: I'm glad you re-commented because just like this book I've never heard of that nobody has mentioned, I haven't seen Team America. But I like it when you yell fuck yeah.

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  25. I have to thank you Wow! for writing this post, because otherwise I may have missed out on all the action of Samuel L Jackson reading Go the Fuck to Sleep. Cracked me the fuck up, it did.

    If I were to ditch the husband I have-why on earth would I replace him? Besides one set of outlaws for in laws is too many.

    I would gladly take your boys, even though I already have kidlets of my own. Play date?

  26. **sigh**

    I really need to get rid of my f-bomb.

  27. This is perfect. Great writing, dude.

  28. I have to watch my mouth at times when I forget the grand kids are around. The big angst is when it is time for mom and dad to take them home; specifically, getting their shoes on so they can leave. They are suddenly "crippled" and need help putting their shoes on.

    When my daughters were little, they walked to the car bare foot if they pulled that one.

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