Friday, November 25, 2011

For You Eileen


I fell in love with Eileen on Thanksgiving.  She had a smile on her face the entire night and I told her it was impossible to look at her without smiling back.  She told me life is good so why shouldn’t she be smiling.  Why shouldn’t everybody be smiling?

She told me she lives in Boston and that she travels often between Denver and home.  I told her about my recent visits to Boston, including watching the Cubs play the Redsox earlier this year.  Her eyes lit up and she told me there is no better place to watch a game than Fenway Park.  I practically swooned as I countered that she must never have been to Wrigley Field.  She lit up the room with an even brighter smile and a twinkle in her eye as she said no, she hadn’t but she can’t imagine a place with more electricity and anticipation than her home team’s park. 

And then Eileen told me a story.

It was at her old job where she worked in admin at a factory.  This company had been around forever and was the epitome of the blue-collar old boys network.  She was one of only three women on the ‘suit-side’ of the business and she was the newest employee at that.  Her job was to make sure inventory and AR/AP all matched to the penny.  Every two weeks she was audited and if everything didn’t zero out, it would be her head on a platter.

As the new gal, she kept her head down (better than on a platter) and worked hard.  One day the big boss-man strode up to her and requested she meet him in his office.  The room went quiet as Eileen tentatively walked in, trying to think what she must have done to cause her impending firing. 

Eileen entered his office and the boss-man told her to shut door.  As she closed it, she saw her co-workers straining to watch as they hunched over their desks seemingly already in mourning.  The boss said, “Eileen, this conversation has to be between just you and me.  You cannot speak of this to anyone.”

She timidly said, “Of course,” and waited to find out what she did wrong.

He said, “I know you are a big Redsox fan and you have done a great job as the new gal here so I want you to take your husband to the game tonight.”  He pulled two Redsox tickets out of his desk drawer.

Eileen nearly peed with nervous excitement.  “I thought you were gong to fire me!  Of course I won’t tell anyone.  And thank you thank you thank you so much!”

The boss admonished her for thinking she was doing poorly when in fact it was the opposite which is why he was rewarding her with tickets.  Eileen beamed as she walked out of the office and then remembered to look somber as she neared her co-workers. 

She sat down and one of her co-workers whispered, “What happened Eileen?”

She tried to contain her excitement and mumbled something about how the boss-man just wanted to give her a performance review and make sure they were on the same page with her job responsibilities.

The game was that night and Eileen and her husband were giddy with anticipation.  They arrived early and watched batting practice.  Typical of Redsox games, the fans paid attention to every pitch.  The Redsox took the lead and as the game went on, there was a nervous buzz running throughout the ballpark.  Redsox pitcher Mel Parnell had not given up a hit. 

Eileen knew that it was bad luck for other players and coaches in the dugout to acknowledge to the pitcher that he was throwing a no-hitter.  All the fans knew this superstition and they carried it over to the stands.  They rooted with muted excitement as Parnell induced out after out.  Another inning would end and the crowd would clap loudly but then collectively cut it short so as to act casual and not show too much emotion.

Finally the last inning came and sure enough Mel Parnell did it.  He pitched a no-hitter.  The players and crowd went crazy.  It was a standing ovation and Parnell could be seen weeping on the field.  Somehow the Redsox management had gotten a new convertible to enter the field so Parnell could ride atop the backseat and wave to the crowd.  Eileen said nobody wanted to leave.  She was getting teary-eyed just telling me the story.

She returned to the office the next day and wondered how long it would take the boss-man to call her into his office.  Less than five minutes after her arrival, she noticed him stand up to peer out his half glassed-in office used to watch over the floor.  He beckoned Eileen with a stern look on his face.

She walked in and he told Eileen how angry his wife was with him.  She couldn’t believe he gave the tickets to Eileen instead of taking her to the game.  The boss-man warned Eileen that she better lay low next time the wife comes in to the plant.  He smiled as Eileen thanked him for a day she would never forget.

55 years later, even with the onset of Alzheimer’s, Eileen spoke to me with passion and great detail about the day she and her husband saw Mel Parnell throw a no-hitter for the Boston Redsox. 

Eileen told me she is eighty and although her husband died fifteen years ago, she stays busy and still cheers on her Redsox.  She seemed very alert for a woman that didn’t really know, or want to admit, that she lives in assisted living here in Denver. 

Many people ask why I love baseball and why so many other people around the world love it the same or more.  It is difficult to explain and yet an 80-year-old woman with Alzheimer’s said it just right. 

Eileen’s story was so sweet and special.  Her fond memories of that one game could have been from it being a unique moment shared with her husband.  Perhaps it was the special treatment she got from a generous new boss.  Maybe it was the feeling of being part of something rare with 35,000 other fans collectively rooting and willing for the same thing to happen.  Maybe it was joy for Mel Parnell whose career culminated with that no-hitter and then derailed with an arm injury that proved to cause his retirement.

Very likely it was all those things and more.  It was what makes baseball magic.  It is why the movie Field of Dreams makes so many grown men cry.  Baseball may just be a game played by overpaid prima donna athletes for ownerships that are billionaire empires on the outside.  But on the inside, baseball is hope, anticipation, excitement, agony, joy and love. 

Baseball is something even Alzheimer’s can’t take away.

Here’s to you Eileen. Happy Thanksgiving.  I am thankful for many things and on this holiday, I am particularly thankful to have met you.




Monday, November 21, 2011

Just Another Manic Monday


You know how people ask canned questions and don’t care about the answers much less really listen to them?  And the person being asked something is answering before they even hear the question because we are all so used to random meaningless greetings.  You know what I'm talking about.  Like this:

“Hey, how are you?”

“Not much.”

Or the other way around:

“What’s going on?”

“Good, thanks.”

And the person who said ‘good’ may have just had the worst day of their life but who wants to explain that in passing small talk?  I’m a social guy and certainly seem to like to be heard.  Sometimes I can’t shut the fuck up.  I’m voicemail’s worst nightmare.  If you have a time limit, I’ll max it out even if I don’t have much to say. 

If I haven’t seen someone or talked to them in a week and they ask, “What’s new,” I have to decide on the spot if I want to be honest.  If you asked me today what has been going on lately and I chose to be honest, here’s what I’d say:

Well, my kids’ school was on lockdown today because some guy supposedly barricaded himself in a house across the street and may or may not have had a hostage.  The police had the house surrounded and the kids on the side of the school with windows in sightline of the house were moved to the other end of the school.  They were about to be evacuated by bus to another school to be picked up when the lockdown ended.  I don’t know any more details yet, but the kids were never in danger and I guess the worst part for Will was that he had to eat tacos instead of his regularly packed lunch.  He doesn’t like tacos. 

I guess I don’t live in the Truman Show Pleasantville Bubble after all.  Wow, right? Now I have to figure out what details to tell the kids while knowing other kids will probably get more information than they need.  And I already have a huge dilemma with Will and his curiosity. Check out the note he wrote last night.


I asked him if it could wait until a tooth fell out and he said he wants to know now.  Luckily he forgot to put it under his pillow and I sure didn’t want to remind him so I dodged that one for the time being. 

I did some volunteer work at the homeless shelter.  Getting up at 5am sucks donkey balls.  Getting up at 5am and having some guy on the staff at the shelter call me a fucking asshole sucks giant donkey balls. 

I’m buying a house.  I’m excited but not happy about the hidden extra costs disguised as upgrades.  Like the detached garage and the accompanying $8,500 surcharge.  Um, the model was detached and the lot I chose is already zoned for detached – I have to pay this extra fee?  Can I have it attached then? No? Donkey balls!

In other news, I’m going to run the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning.  Work is rockin’. My kids are awesome.  I’m reading a great book that centers on what would happen if there were a cure for aging – basically nobody dies naturally.  Very good so far.  Speaking of aging, my parents just got back from a cruise. They are so old that they repeat trips now.  I might go to Chicago for a quick boondoggle in December.  I’ve been watching the Bears win week after week and even though I still hate Jay Cutler, I’m bummed he broke his thumb.  I’m not sure how he will be able to shove it up his own ass anymore.  Which reminds me I need tix for da Bears-Donkeys I mean Broncos game that is here on December 11th.  I’ll fly back in time to go to it if I can score tickets.  Can you help a brutha out?

So yeah, not much is going on.  How about you?


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Stimulating Conversation


A typical morning conversation at the House of Stud Boys:

Drew: Daddy, what is your favorite color?

Me: Drew.

Laughing Drew: Daddy, what is your favorite color?

Me:  Ummm, Drew!

Angry Laughing Drew: DADDY!  What is your favorite color?

Me: Your underwear.

Laughing Drew:  Daddy, just answer.  What is your favorite color?

Me: Poopy brown.

Laughing Drew: What is your favorite animal?

Me: You.

Frustrated Drew: No, an animal!

Will:  You ARE an animal Drew!

Pissed Off Drew: No I’m not!

Excited Smarty Pants Will: Yes you are Drew.  Drew, you don’t know anything because you are only in first grade.  People are animals Drew.  You are an animal.

Stubborn Mad Drew: No! 

Me: Okay, okay, my favorite animal is a smelly dog!

Laughing Drew: What is your favorite sport?

Me: Sleeping.

Barely Able To Talk Because He Is Laughing So Hard Drew: Have you ever seen a poopy brown smelly dog sleeping?

Me: Yes.  On your face!

Both boys laughed like hyenas which became a contest to see who could be the loudest and longest without taking a breath.  They suck at it because they kept stopping to breathe and then started up again pretending like there was never a break.  Neither will be an opera singer, that’s for sure.

I have the boys on Tuesdays, Thursdays and every other weekend.  They have been begging me to let them be in charge this coming Thursday.  You see, this past weekend was officially deemed the Will and Drew Plan the Whole Weekend Weekend.  They got to do this one other time in their short and luxurious lives and they love it more than sugar. 

It started on Friday evening when we had a breakfast dinner (waffles and poptarts).  And then we watched a movie and stayed up late.  Saturday, we went to Dave & Busters where they played countless games and won sick amounts of tickets so that the $25 each worth of game-cards was converted to junk worth maybe $2.50.  Then we saw a movie (Puss N Boots) and finally went home to play board games.   Dinner was, wait for it, wait for it…  McDonalds Happy Meals!  Guess what the toys were? Puss N Boots figurines.  How appropriate. 

Figurine.  That is a gay word.  Gayer than guys that own cats.  Please try to use ‘figurine’ in conversation today without sounding gay.  Let me know how it goes.

The boys stayed up late again Saturday night.  Sunday was breakfast out at Einstein’s followed by a couple hours at the indoor pool.  Then there was a massive bubble bath in the jet tub.  Then there was a deluxe version of The Tackle Daddy Game that lasted for an hour.  We usually quit when somebody cries and for some reason both boys were particularly tough and resilient.  We made dinner together at home and then I had to interrupt the Will and Drew Plan the Whole Weekend Weekend schedule to force some homework and reading.  By then it was bedtime and I got out the vodka. 

Will: Where is the milk.

Me: Reallly?

Will:  Where is it?

Me: In the stove.

Will opens up the stove.

Me: No, it’s in the fridge.

Will opens the fridge and looks for two seconds: I don’t see it?

Me: Are you blind?

Will: I don’t see the note.

Me: Note?

Will: Yeah, where is that note that was on the counter.

Me: Ohhhhh, I thought you said milk.

Drew: Daddy, what is your favorite color?

Me: No!  Time for school.  Let’s roll…

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Things That Delight Me

I saw this sign on the way home.



What’s the matter; you can’t read it?  It shouldn’t matter.  Neither can the audience it is welcoming.  Under the DoubleTree by Hilton part it says, “WELCOMES NATIONAL FEDERATION OF THE BLIND.”  This amuses me to no end.  I wonder if in their amenity packages they offer free pay per view movies while highlighting that the foreign films are all subtitled for their viewing pleasure.  If the DoubleTree hosted the National Federation of the Deaf, I’m sure the entertainment would be live music in the lobby.  Yeah yeah, I know deaf people can feel the vibe and see the action, but still!  The fact that the DoubleTree put up a sign welcoming blind people to their facility is delightful.

I was also delighted by my Rain Man of a son. 



He guessed that there were 328 pieces of candy in the jar.  327 was the correct answer and he won the whole loot.  My sweet little idiot savant!!  How nice that days before Halloween he acquired 327 pieces of candy, because he needs it.  After all, when I moved in July, I finally threw out a jar full of last year’s Halloween candy.

Further delight was provided by the name of this place.



This place is located in Salem, MA, rich in history with witch-hunts and colonists.  The average joe may assume that ‘bunghole’ refers to the hole bored in a vessel such as a keg, barrel or cask through which liquid is poured in and out.  However, we all know a bunghole is an anus.  Beavis and Butthead utilized ‘bunghole’ quite often in everyday conversation, like I’m sure you do on Monday mornings around the water cooler.  I wonder if Cornholio will be part of the reemergence of Beavis that I’ve heard is coming soon.

Another delightful time in my world is having dinner with my boys.  We usually just have stimulating conversation about school, books, friends and life.  But sometimes Drew gets all Shaun White on me with his threads and decides to play on the Mac instead.



And sometimes Will decides to go all Zombie on me and talk about eating brains for dinner.

 

And sometimes I just like to eat pumpkin brains.



Delightful things can make my day.  What has delighted you lately?