A typical morning conversation at the House of Stud Boys:
Drew: Daddy, what is your favorite color?
Me: Drew.
Laughing Drew: Daddy, what is your favorite color?
Me: Ummm, Drew!
Angry Laughing Drew: DADDY! What is your favorite color?
Me: Your underwear.
Laughing Drew: Daddy, just answer. What is your favorite color?
Me: Poopy brown.
Laughing Drew: What is your favorite animal?
Me: You.
Frustrated Drew: No, an animal!
Will: You ARE an animal Drew!
Pissed Off Drew: No I’m not!
Excited Smarty Pants Will: Yes you are Drew. Drew, you don’t know anything because you are only in first grade. People are animals Drew. You are an animal.
Stubborn Mad Drew: No!
Me: Okay, okay, my favorite animal is a smelly dog!
Laughing Drew: What is your favorite sport?
Me: Sleeping.
Barely Able To Talk Because He Is Laughing So Hard Drew: Have you ever seen a poopy brown smelly dog sleeping?
Me: Yes. On your face!
Both boys laughed like hyenas which became a contest to see who could be the loudest and longest without taking a breath. They suck at it because they kept stopping to breathe and then started up again pretending like there was never a break. Neither will be an opera singer, that’s for sure.
I have the boys on Tuesdays, Thursdays and every other weekend. They have been begging me to let them be in charge this coming Thursday. You see, this past weekend was officially deemed the Will and Drew Plan the Whole Weekend Weekend. They got to do this one other time in their short and luxurious lives and they love it more than sugar.
It started on Friday evening when we had a breakfast dinner (waffles and poptarts). And then we watched a movie and stayed up late. Saturday, we went to Dave & Busters where they played countless games and won sick amounts of tickets so that the $25 each worth of game-cards was converted to junk worth maybe $2.50. Then we saw a movie (Puss N Boots) and finally went home to play board games. Dinner was, wait for it, wait for it… McDonalds Happy Meals! Guess what the toys were? Puss N Boots figurines. How appropriate.
Figurine. That is a gay word. Gayer than guys that own cats. Please try to use ‘figurine’ in conversation today without sounding gay. Let me know how it goes.
The boys stayed up late again Saturday night. Sunday was breakfast out at Einstein’s followed by a couple hours at the indoor pool. Then there was a massive bubble bath in the jet tub. Then there was a deluxe version of The Tackle Daddy Game that lasted for an hour. We usually quit when somebody cries and for some reason both boys were particularly tough and resilient. We made dinner together at home and then I had to interrupt the Will and Drew Plan the Whole Weekend Weekend schedule to force some homework and reading. By then it was bedtime and I got out the vodka.
Will: Where is the milk.
Me: Reallly?
Will: Where is it?
Me: In the stove.
Will opens up the stove.
Me: No, it’s in the fridge.
Will opens the fridge and looks for two seconds: I don’t see it?
Me: Are you blind?
Will: I don’t see the note.
Me: Note?
Will: Yeah, where is that note that was on the counter.
Me: Ohhhhh, I thought you said milk.
Drew: Daddy, what is your favorite color?
Me: No! Time for school. Let’s roll…
Maybe you should call them Puss 'n Boots action figures?
ReplyDeleteYou haven't seen the Humpty Dumpty figurine. If you push his legs, his face flab sort of moves. There isn't much action involved there at all.
ReplyDeleteExcellent!
ReplyDeleteAs a side note, I once discovered a bear in an antique shop, and managed to subdue it with a figurine.
It was impressively non-gay, although I did a thank you kiss from the owner, Gerald.
I was trying to think of a witty comment but was figurine you would make fun of me.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like the three of you really know how to have a great time together. Good job dad!
ReplyDeleteNow, I own a cat and I am especially fond of figurines.
Clearly, I keep getting gayer.
Sounds like things are clearly under control. Letting them plan the weekend? Awesome Idea! You rock as a Dad.
ReplyDeleteUsually the happy toys are crap anyways so calling them figurines is hoping they will have some value?
Yes yes yes a blog which I can repost your video http://youtu.be/XpcE2UiIIOQ
ReplyDeleteYou say gay I say video
I love the way you interact with your boys. You are creating memories they will cherish forever!
ReplyDeleteNothing's more fun than antagonizing the children with non-responsive answers. A breakfast ritual around here, too. Loved this.
ReplyDeleteKimmie- That was the best video ever.
ReplyDeleteYou made my day.
@kimmie: I have to admit I have great respect for your inability to let your old jokes go. I knew from day one you'd make your magnificent creation timeless.
ReplyDeleteOMG!! Sleeping is my favorite sport, too! How weird.
ReplyDeleteI get that figurine strikes you as gay, but how did the title Puss n Boots slip by ya?
What a coincidence, my favorite color is poopy brown, too!
ReplyDeleteI'm dying to see Puss N' Boots. Boy, that sounds dirty. And you thought 'figurine' was questionable.
ReplyDeleteEva is right - your interaction with the little Awkward Boys is priceless.
@thejules: That sounds familiar. Did you blog that?
ReplyDelete@momo: This is one of your best ever comments.
@6FM: At least you are gay enough to admit your gayness.
@onebadpixie: I admit it's easy to steer them a little bit, but yeah, they pretty much planned everything. It was fun.
@eva: As do I (cherish these memories and will forever).
@blissed: I know. I love acting more immature than them.
@consciouslysedated: Will you get me a t-shirt that says I heart Puss?
@memphissteve: Says the guy sitting on the toilet.
@dawn: You like pussies?
You rock in general, but my favorite line: "By then it was bedtime and I got out the vodka."
ReplyDeleteThey love it more than sugar? Wow. This is serious. I can only equate this to my love of liquor and THAT, my friend, I can assure you is some SERIOUS love.
ReplyDeleteAnd kudos on waiting for bedtime before busting out the vodka. I try to wait for the cat to turn in but that damn pussy never sleeps. Heh. Kind of just wanted to say pussy, what with all the puss n boots talk round this joint.
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ReplyDeleteFast forward 20 years when Drew has had proper education... "So, dad... do you find totalitarionism to be the foundation of what Marxism was and possibly where the decline of civilization may head should we not expound on past failures?". (you) Poopy pants pretty ballerina waffle butt!
ReplyDeleteAnd that is when Drew finally realized what used ot be funny, is now cause for the rest home.
OHMIGOSH!
ReplyDeleteI about died laughing at the "where's the milk question"
@chantel: You feel me.
ReplyDelete@vapidvixen: I like chicks that like to say pussy with a sly grin.
@cunning: I laughed at the previous comment - you and momo think alike - great minds! This comment made me laugh way more. You are so right. I wish you'd blog more again dude.
@amber: I seriously thought he was looking in the stove for milk. Not sure why he'd look for a note there too actually.
You are a funny funny guy. They'll always be laughing and having fun with you as their Dad.
ReplyDeleteok - your kids aren't spoiled, they're lucky. you're an awesome dad. :)
ReplyDeleteGabe: That pigeon flies, just like a bird
ReplyDeleteMe: It is a bird.
Surprised Gabe: Oh, really.
Educational voice Me: Yes, ducks are birds, and pelicans. There are lots of different types of birds.
Adorable Gabe: Nice one's and naughty one's.
Pandering mother Me: Yes. That's right. Nice and naughty. Also Emu's are birds.
Had enough of ridiculous assertions Gabe: No! Not they aren't, they can't fly.
Righteous Me: Yes, there are lots of birds that can't fly. Chickens, penguins, um, Dodo's.
Enthusiastic Gabe: Hippo's!
Set the record straight Me: That's an animals. You're an animal too.
Conversation finished Gabe: *rolls eyes* Mummy. No I'm not.
(That's where I needed Will)
I want to be one of your kids. Mostly just so I could buy you a #1 Dad figurine for Father's Day.
ReplyDeleteI love it. Next time someone asks me what my favorite color is, I'm going to say "underwear".
ReplyDelete:-)
Pearl
I was thinking of coming back, but work keeps getting in the way. I am saving up my pissed off rants though. Things are gonna boil over and prompt me to rant again soon, I can feel it.
ReplyDeleteAs for the momo think alike comment, I gotta be honest... I typed it, hit enter and then realized she did the same thing. I didn't wanna step on toes. I would ixnay on the alike-ay. After all, would YOU want to be known as being anything like me? I didn't think so.
After poopy browny my next favourite colour is figurine.
ReplyDeleteI must remember to enforce a 'Lulu's in charge' year soon.