The Grim Reaper has been a total dick lately. Four of my friends have had a parent or sibling die in the last month. Two more friends are waiting bedside for their respective moms to go next. Death sucks donkey balls.
Torture on the other hand, is awesome. Will went to court on Monday to help defend Goldilocks from being prosecuted for breaking into a house supposedly occupied by three bears. Goldilocks claims she was cold (hence the need for shelter), hungry (therefore she ate some porridge) and tired (so she took a nap). As a male, I have no clear understanding of women whatsoever, but I do know when the trifecta hits a woman (cold, hungry and tired), any male in the vicinity better either run away or find a way to help that woman warm up, eat and get some rest!
Left to her own devices, Goldilocks did what she had to do to combat the trifecta. I think Goldilocks is lucky to have escaped the house without being eaten by the three bears. A friend just told me some bear horror stories and apparently regardless of being a small bear or big bear, they don’t like humans and have been known to feast on the skulls of the likes of Goldilocks.
So Goldilocks was tried in court by a bunch of third graders. Will did his best to defend the damsel in distress and I guess you can say he succeeded because it ended up being a hung jury. Upon further discussion, the judge asked the kids what they think might be fair punishment if Goldilocks were found guilty of partial charges, such as for eating the food that wasn’t hers.
Will and one of his girlfriends came up with what they thought was a good idea. They suggested Goldilocks be left unfed for 24 hours and locked up outside so people could throw food at her with the caveat that she is not allowed to eat any of the food, even if something splatters all over her face.
My ex wife was slightly horrified by this idea. I thought it was funny. The judge explained that torture is not punishment and the kids would need to re-think their idea. Some judges are lacking creativity.
I thought the only torture involved was that Will wore a tie. He didn’t have to wear one but he wanted to look official, plus he knows the chicks like a sharp dressed man. So I dug through the back of my closet to find my ties. Owning an advertising agency in a laid-back market such as Denver has enabled me to avoid wearing a choker/food-catching-device pretty much year round.
I found my old stash and Will chose a fish tie. I stood behind my little man and showed him how to tie it around his neck. Drew watched and declared he wanted to wear a tie to school since it was also picture day. I told them both they were crazy to want to wear a tie when they weren’t going to a wedding or funeral. Why would they want to torture themselves? They said they like ties and think it’s nice to dress up. Will said nobody has to die to wear a tie!
That reminded me of the Grim Reaper being such a dick again. So I put on a tie too. Nobody has to die to wear a tie, asshole. Of course this was just Sunday night and I wasn’t going to torture myself by wearing a tie Monday too. But my boys did it and they looked very handsome. Fuck you Grim Reaper.