I don’t like leaving that last post up, but some wiser being advised me to leave it which means I’ll just sweep it under the rug and cover it up with this nonsense. You think death is painful; wait til I tell you what happened this morning.
I was driving and noticed something frightening in the rearview mirror. Yes, it was my face!! Specifically, it was my nose. More specifically, it was what was protruding from my nose. There was a giant nose hair hanging straight out, clear as day. It was silvery gray in all it’s glory with sunlight flickering off its snot polished shine.
I nearly swerved off the road. I don’t have a ton of hair in the first place, so anything noticeable is usually a super swell thing. Not this time, unless Guinness has a world record for longest nose hair.
The next thing I thought of was my dad. It seems like only old men have nose hairs poking out their ginormous nostrils. Usually they accentuate the fuzzy ear holes and unruly eyebrows thereby getting away with the lack of manscaping above the neck. I’m only 44 and for some reason hot chicks still dig me, so I can’t have hair coming out of unauthorized holes!
The second thing I thought of was everywhere I had been this morning. In other words, how many people saw me hiding behind my enormous nose hair? Is that why the barista looked so startled when I ordered my chai with vanilla? And did I notice her touch her nose? You know, like when you see a fat guy eating cake (and diet coke) and he has icing on his cheek. You don’t tell him he has icing on his cheek. You just rub your own cheek to make sure you don’t have anything there.
Same thing when the acquaintance you don’t know very well has lettuce wedged in their teeth. You don’t tell them. You just obsess over whether you have something stuck in your own teeth. You root around with your tongue and then swoosh some water. Then you remember that one spot that always captures poppy seeds, so you crush the tip of the soda straw with your mouth to make it a sliver for sliding into your teeth like dental floss. All while nodding with feigned interest at your ridiculous looking lunch mate that has a spinach leaf capping their front teeth while they look at you wondering what’s up with the party going on in your mouth.
I pulled up to a red light and knew what I had to do. I had to yank that fucker right out of my nose. I knew it would hurt. Have you ever been hit in the nose? Your eyes water like a crying baby. I had no choice though. I had to grab it and pull.
This nose hair was so incredibly long, it seemed to be tickling my upper lip which made for an easy pinch between my thumb and index finger. I know this is a sexy story. Take a moment if you need it. God knows I took a few moments before I had the guts to pull. I gripped it, closed my eyes and pulled. I didn’t realize I had been holding my breath. I exhaled deeply as I disappointingly hadn’t succeeded. I let it slip right through my fingers.
The light was about to turn, so I knew I had to take action. I gripped the monster hair tighter and yelled out, “One, two, THREE!” I yanked and screamed like a schoolgirl in a slasher movie. My eyes instantly stung and dripped tears.
As I rubbed my eyes and said, “fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,” I flicked the offending mammoth nose hair out the open window. The open window next to the open window of the car next to me with the little old horrified lady sitting in the passenger seat staring at me with her mouth open in a little ‘oh’ shape. One eye was still teary so I had it scrunched up tight while I rubbed it. Luckily there was no chance my nose hair carried in the wind to the little old lady, but nonetheless it all must have been a sight to see for the granny.
I eyeballed her with my one open orb and said, “Whew! It is a wonderful day isn’t it?” Then I shook my head like a wet dog and smiled. Her little eyebrows furrowed and before she could answer, I buried my foot on the accelerator as the light turned green.
Two painful posts in a row. Time to move on and keep my manscaped head up.