Opt Out

I was talking to the Buddha yesterday about all the extra shit that is out there everywhere. Even on my desk, since he hangs out there.

If it weren’t for Maria de los The Cleaner (I’m not telling you her last name – I’m not sure she is legal), I probably wouldn’t have seen the Buddha to talk to him about all this crap. The Buddha was partially buried under a pile of mail and a manila folder labeled “Shit to File.” How rih-tarded is it to have a file of things to file on a desk full of clutter and unfiled papers?

Maria cleans every Saturday and Buddha bless her soul; she tidies up everything, including stacking random change that I end up knocking down every week.

She declutters and makes piles for me to unpile and reclutter every week. I can’t believe those three words aren’t words (declutter, unpile, reclutter)! Hold on while I call Danny Webster and give him some whatfor while I pound my fist and knock over more change.

Maria is an angel. Or illegal alien. Anyway, The Buddha Man was eyeballing me so I said, “Yo yo yo, what up dawg? Looks like you have lost some weight homey!” He just sat there grinning at me while holding a gobstopper in one hand and a sack full of monkeys in the other (what do you think he is holding?). “Okay home skillet, you don’t have to answer. I know I have to simplify. This is ridiculous.”

Just then five new email messages popped in. All newsletters I don’t ever read or some sort of spam. I haven’t unsubscribed from any of this shit forever. The Buddha and I made eye contact (after I positioned him to face me at eye level). I said, “I know what you are thinking jolly man. I want a jelly donut too, but that isn’t important right now. I have to get rid of this fucking spam and extra email clutter. It is time to opt out!” The Buddha nodded at me. Or maybe I just dropped him and he rolled on my desk in a head-noddy way.

I started going through my inbox and deleted folder to unsubscribe and opt out of everything I could. In 24 hours I have already noticed a difference! It is awesome!! So I did some more. Opt out. Opt out. Unsubscribe to all. No, I’m not filling out a short a survey to tell you why. I’m just sick of you and The Buddha said to opt out!!

This worked so well, I decided to carry over the opt out strategy to other facets of my life. I brought the Buddha along for inspiration. If you are wondering if that is the Buddha on my shoulder or am I just happy to see you, the answer is a resounding yes!

A co-worker reminded me about a group lunch we had scheduled for today. I said, “Sorry, but I’m opting out of that one,” and I looked down at my laptop and pretended to be typing something important while I held my breath. My super power peripheral vision revealed a slightly stunned employee that proceeded to walk away. Yes!!

My phone rang and it was one of those fucking ‘mergers and acquisitions’ people claiming they had interested buyers for my business and blah blah blah they’d sure like to bend me over and have their way with me if only I’d listen to their shit and sign up for an expensive valuation service. I said, “Hold on. I opt out. I’m unsubscribing to this nonsense. I’m out. Delete!” And I hung up. The Buddha sighed.

I went out to lunch since my lunch hour became unexpectedly free and upon walking down a crowded sidewalk a complete stranger made eye contact with me. I tried to avert but it was too late. She said, “Hi.” I said, “I opt out,” and picked up my pace without glancing over my shoulder because I was afraid I’d knock the Buddha Man over.

I got to the lunch place and ordered an ahi tuna sandwich. They asked if I wanted chips or some sort of cold potato salad or slaw garbage with it. I said, “No, I’m unsubscribing to your lame side dishes.”

My mom called my cell on the way back from lunch. I picked up and said, “Mom, how are you doing, is everything okay? Is Dad good?” As she said “fine” and began to ramble on about happy hour parties with people nearing dementia, early bird dinners, the obscene cost of fresh produce, bingo at the clubhouse and the new lanai they had put in four months ago; I interrupted and said, “Mom. Listen Mom. I hate to do this, but the Buddha and I agreed it’s necessary. I’m going to have to opt out of this call right now. Don’t worry, I won’t completely unsubscribe, but you need to stop pushing these calls on me. I’d rather pull what I need from you. Can you update your contact management database to reflect these changes to my profile please?”

She laughed like I was kidding and I said, “Damn it I hate when I go to the opt-out link and it just spools. Mom, are you spooling with me right now? Not cool Mom, not cool at all!”

She pretended like she was calling from India and didn’t speak my language well with her feigning understanding of my wishes. The number three is often the delete button on voicemail so I tried that. After four beeps, I could still hear my mom.

“What is all that beeping?”

“I don’t hear any beeping Mom. Maybe you are finally going crazy. I know the time has been nearing. You seem to be losing it lately Mom.” I pressed three again. And again.

“There is that beeping again. Is your father on the phone? BEEEEEL, are you on the phone?!”

“Mom, I have to opt out. I don’t want any of this. Can you just contact me at the regularly scheduled times about once a week? I need to simplify and declutter even though declutter isn’t a word. The Buddha agrees.”

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

“We must have a bad connection. It keeps beeping and your father is asleep on the couch so it can’t be him.”

“I don’t hear any beeping. Isn’t it 1p there? Dad is sleeping?”

I pressed the three button two more times.

“Okay honey, it was nice talking to you. I’ll let you go. This beeping is too much”

Beep.

“Alright Mom. I love you. “

I am kid free and in town all holiday weekend long. I got a little carried away and mostly opted out of all the plans I had. So now I’m free as a bird with nothing to do and it feels great.

The Buddha man seems content just sitting there. He must be meditating again.

It’s really quiet.

I like it.

My phone just rang three times. I just got five new email messages. Three are things I need to opt out of. Two are for making plans over the weekend. Two of my peeps just walked up to talk about stuff I missed during their lunch meeting.

I knocked over my change and put the Buddha back under the “Shit to File” file. Back to reality.