What if people behaved like Social Media? Like right now, while I type this, what if something poked me in the ribcage and then a voice from the seemingly empty chair next to me said, “El oh el.”
“What the hell? I can’t see you!”
“Yes, I know. I want to be invisible because I need to avoid about half of my closest friends. I don’t want any of them to start a conversation with me.”
“So, why are you bothering me then? Do you need something?”
“No, I just thought I’d poke you because I’m irritating. But now that you mention it, did you see what Six Fingered Monkey spray-painted on my living room wall?”
“Six Fingered Monkey is not his real name you know. Why can’t you just use his real name? It’s...”
*BUZZZZZ* “Sorry to buzz you in the middle of your point, but you can’t say his real name!! Then people will know who he really is!!”
“Okay, whatever. Why did Six Fingered Monkey write on your wall? Were you re-painting? And how in the world would I have seen it? I haven’t ever been inside your house.”
“Bee ef ef, you know you have access to all my personal information!!! I’d tell you what he wrote, but it’s more than 140 characters and I think I’ll run out of breath before I can complete it.”
“That is stupid.”
“You know what is even more stoopid? Minxy was…”
“Her name isn’t Minxy! It’s…”
*BUZZZZZZZZZ* “Don’t say her name!!! Anyway, she gave out the Sexy Yellow Snowball Creative Under 30 Zombie Chicken Award to five people that follow her everywhere she goes and I wasn’t one of them!”
“You are right. That is even more stupid.”
“Double you tee ef, right? I’m totally going to run for mayor against her and whip her ass, right after I finish answering a question for each of ten of my closest friends.”
“I didn’t know either of you are in politics.”
“Oh, well perhaps you need a refresher on me. Here are 100 interesting facts about me. Number one, I like to laugh. Number two, I’ve ridden a camel. Number three, I don’t like spiders. Number four, I’m writing a book. Number five, I love kittens. Number six…”
“I really need to get back to work.”
“But there are 95 more things you must know!”
“Yes, well, um, weird. I don’t understand you. Your words are jumbled. We must be losing our connection.”
“Oh no! Hang on. Let me re-start.” *Poke*
“What? No!! That’s okay. Please stop poking me. I don’t have any idea how to respond to that.”
*Flash*
“Why did you just take my picture?”
“So I can remember this meaningless moment forever and share it with 975 of my closest friends.”
“I wish you wouldn’t do that.”
*Tag*
“What are you doing? I asked you to stop poking me. Now what? Why are you on the floor tossing around like a hyena?”
“You are sooooooooo funny! I am rolling on the floor laughing my ass off at you! Of course I didn’t poke you again. I was just tagging you so 1,362 of my closest friends will know it’s you.”
“I think it’s time to wrap up. I could use a drink.”
“I like that.”
“Why are you holding your thumb up in my face? I get it. You like the idea of a drink. I was going to go meet some friends.”
“Can I be their friend too? Will you introduce me to them? How many Kevin Bacons away am I from knowing them directly? I can show them some of my professional recommendations.”
“These are my old school friends. You probably won’t like them. One of them doesn’t even use text messaging.”
“Oh man, I’d drop them as friends nearly as fast as I just stole your identity using my smart phone.”
“Why did my bank and three credit card companies just send me an urgent email?”
“Nice. You gotta like these travel apps.”
“Did you just book a trip using my credit cards?”
“No dumb-ass. I used your PayPal account. You really should change your password to something other than 1234.”
“What kind of friend are you?”
“The one who loves to buy stuff from eBay!”
“Why did you just drop a pile of worms on my keyboard? What the hell? The presentation I’ve been working on all day just disappeared and you are robbing me?”
“Looks like you have a virus. Better call your IT guy or surf over to WebMD.”
“Thanks for handing me your surfboard. Colorado is landlocked you know and you certainly aren’t my friend anymore.”
“Well then let me be friends with all your friends!!”
“Will you give me my identity back?”
“Of course. You will always be WowThatWasAwkward.”
“Goodbye.”
“IM me! Or text! Or Facebook me! Follow me on Twitter if you are wondering when I have to pee. You know how to find me on FourSquare. Check out the pics on Flickr. Signing out.”
*note to self – call some friends and write some letters this weekend*
I hear you on this one. Textspeak gets annoying in emails...
ReplyDeleteSorry, can't follow you on FB, Twitter or any of the rest mentioned. I must be old. I don't go there.
I am rolling on the floor laughing my ass off at you! And I was wondering: do you have to pee?
ReplyDeleteAwesome, creative post. And THANK YEWWWW for putting me on your blogroll, homeskillet! I lurk you long time!!
Now I know why I don't FB, Twitter, OR send texts! Gotta' hand it to you, this post is a stroke of pure genius - thanks for making me spray coffee all over my keyboard..!
ReplyDeleteLolololololol!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteDecaf.
Love it.
Excellent post. Made me laugh. Sad that it's the way of the world. It takes away the voice of friendship, this online business!
ReplyDelete@onebadpixie: The old folks are the ones jumping on the social media bandwagon. I keep waiting for my mom to become FourSquare mayor of the early bird dinner place or her majong group.
ReplyDelete@dawn: I pee all the time. For all you know, I'm peeing right now.
@shrinky: I have to say I'm a big texter. But not when I sitting with friends. I hate when people do that.
@momo: You are naturally caffinated.
@smack: As long as all this social media is just an add-on and not a replacement, I'm good with it.
I know how to poke, txt and whatever else that is part of being tech social savvy. I just cannot be bothered because I can only do it slowly due to my age and care factor (both numbers being at opposite ends of the spectrum).
ReplyDeletethnx
I'm all right with our long missives over email. They don't sound like texts. They sound like we're actually talking to each other because we're not too lazy to type it all out.
ReplyDeleteI like that.
OMG, that made me ROFLMFAO. ;-)
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, your astute depiction of social media was spot-on, old chap, spot-on.
I have a FB stalker who private chats me whenever I go online, working hard to create a connection between us from 20 years ago. I don't think i even met him in high school. It's weird.
Also, I'd be wildly perturbed that I did not win the Sexy Yellow Snowball Creative Under 30 Zombie Chicken Award, except that i am OVER 30.
Also, many thanks for adding me to your blogroll. I now feel like I need to write something as good as your post today. I am completely phoning it in this week. Fail.
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome! I actually did a painting and made an artist book on face to face communication versus electronic communication! And I still hand-write my letters, put them in envelopes with a stamp and send them in the snail mail. Funny...I am saying all of this to "WowThatWasAwkward" on his blog! =))
ReplyDelete@linda: I think that is the key - how much you care. I am a recreational Facebooker, whatever that means. And I don't do Twitter, FourSquare or that other nonsense. I blow plenty of valuable time on Blogger.
ReplyDelete@steph: I concur.
@theonion: You need to go invisible on FB and make all your shit private for direct friends only! Its the first thing I figured out to do, especially when a crazy (literally) old football teammeate from highschool found me and would IM me all day. The last straw was when he asked me if I read the bible.
@nicki: I know what you mean. I seem to think I have lots of friends from Blogger. People I have never actually met nor even know many of their actual names. But yet I still consider them friends.
OK, el oh el seriously. That was hilarious! There comes a point when it all seems pretty crazy, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteYou know social media is getting out of hand when your the boy you dated in high school 20 years ago friend requests you on facebook. Gah.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it would be easier if people were like social media! We could delete irritating family and "friends" like fb fwends and end of story.... that's not to be! : )
ReplyDeleteNice site and banter.. Enjoyed the read, Regards Gabz
Read this last week and came back to read it again.
ReplyDeleteYa clever bestid ya.
Pearl
@jessica: Crazy is my middle name. So what are you saying?
ReplyDelete@miss y: So when are you meeting him for dinner?
@gabriella: I like that idea. Or if we can't delete them, can we at least put them on mute?
@pearl: I think you are saying it's time for a new post! I'm trying to figure out which bit of work I should blow off to write a blog instead.
A drink does sound good about now.
ReplyDeleteI opened a FaceBook account, but the minute I saw what I was getting into I gave my wife my password. Now I have a shitload of friends but no idea how to get them to loan me money.
ReplyDeleteDimitri Martin said those people on FaceBook (et.al.) are not friends, they are contacts... a "friend" is someone you can call at 3:00AM to pick you up at the airport.
So, I totally Binged my real name and the results were boring. Then, I Binged my nom de plume and look what I found... How the hell did I miss this one?
ReplyDeleteHilarious bro, as usual.