I am very busy today. I have been shuffling papers around my desk all day. I had an impromptu book club with Mel on IM. I looked at travel options for getting to Boston in May for a guys trip (Cubs are playing in Fenway Park). I scratched myself at least twenty times. I drank three Diet Cokes. I made a few crotch adjustments. I traded vulgar insults via email with one of my homeys. I surfed the world wide web. All in all, I have looked extremely buried in work when in reality I am having one of those days where I don’t want to do anything and I can’t focus.
So I started looking at the books and knickknacks on my shelves by my desk. I found a pack of “50 of the best excuses and lies for every occasion.” Somebody who doesn’t know me very well gave them to me a few years back. I don’t think I ever looked at them – I’m really good at double talk, tap dancing and turning tables so I don’t have to make excuses or lie.
I went through all fifty cards and found just three that were any good. I decided to use them in response to the next three things anyone said to me, no matter what. I got all giddy and sat here wishing someone would talk to me. I’m holed up in the back and keep to myself so as to not generate any extra work therefore I wasn’t sure when I’d get to use my lines.
Co-worker: “Hey Brett, do you have Molly’s email address?”
Me (playing the excuse/lie card): “I’m too cool to care.”
I giggled like a teenage school girl while my co-worker tilted her head to the side with a half smirk, half look of astonishment and half look of disgust. I know. That is three halves, but she said a lot without saying anything at all. I tossed her the card and told her to carry on.
Co-worker: “Brett, we are all going to a rep lunch. Do you want to come along?”
Me (playing the excuse/lie card): “I will if I can get permission from my psychiatrist.”
I never go on the rep lunches so they took that as my sarcastic way of saying “no thanks.” I was about to hand over my excuse/lie card but they were already heading out the door. I didn’t get as much satisfaction as I did the first time, so I held out high hopes for the last card.
My phone rang.
Caller: “Hey Brett, what’s going on?”
Me: “Hey, not much. Just scratching myself.”
Me (playing the excuse/lie card): “Your sister didn’t seem to mind.”
Darn Mayor. He is always calling me with inane conversation.
What else? Well, I’m out of good excuses and lies so I think I will just have to eat this giant red-hot candy and see how it tastes while swirling Diet Dr. Pepper in my mouth. Your sister didn’t seem to mind.