I am very busy today. I have been shuffling papers around my desk all day. I had an impromptu book club with Mel on IM. I looked at travel options for getting to Boston in May for a guys trip (Cubs are playing in Fenway Park). I scratched myself at least twenty times. I drank three Diet Cokes. I made a few crotch adjustments. I traded vulgar insults via email with one of my homeys. I surfed the world wide web. All in all, I have looked extremely buried in work when in reality I am having one of those days where I don’t want to do anything and I can’t focus.
So I started looking at the books and knickknacks on my shelves by my desk. I found a pack of “50 of the best excuses and lies for every occasion.” Somebody who doesn’t know me very well gave them to me a few years back. I don’t think I ever looked at them – I’m really good at double talk, tap dancing and turning tables so I don’t have to make excuses or lie.
I went through all fifty cards and found just three that were any good. I decided to use them in response to the next three things anyone said to me, no matter what. I got all giddy and sat here wishing someone would talk to me. I’m holed up in the back and keep to myself so as to not generate any extra work therefore I wasn’t sure when I’d get to use my lines.
Finally.
Instance #1:
Co-worker: “Hey Brett, do you have Molly’s email address?”
Me (playing the excuse/lie card): “I’m too cool to care.”
I giggled like a teenage school girl while my co-worker tilted her head to the side with a half smirk, half look of astonishment and half look of disgust. I know. That is three halves, but she said a lot without saying anything at all. I tossed her the card and told her to carry on.
Instance #2:
Co-worker: “Brett, we are all going to a rep lunch. Do you want to come along?”
Me (playing the excuse/lie card): “I will if I can get permission from my psychiatrist.”
I never go on the rep lunches so they took that as my sarcastic way of saying “no thanks.” I was about to hand over my excuse/lie card but they were already heading out the door. I didn’t get as much satisfaction as I did the first time, so I held out high hopes for the last card.
Instance #3:
My phone rang.
Me: “Hello.”
Caller: “Hey Brett, what’s going on?”
Me: “Hey, not much. Just scratching myself.”
Caller: “What?”
Me (playing the excuse/lie card): “Your sister didn’t seem to mind.”
Darn Mayor. He is always calling me with inane conversation.
What else? Well, I’m out of good excuses and lies so I think I will just have to eat this giant red-hot candy and see how it tastes while swirling Diet Dr. Pepper in my mouth. Your sister didn’t seem to mind.
More than mildly.....
ReplyDelete:D
That's downright funny!
ReplyDeleteI used to do this thing where I pick a word for the day and make sure I included it in each conversation I had with someone.
ReplyDeleteeg: word might be parrot.
"Hi Jo, after we get the parrot out of the filing cabinet can you organise the report that we spoke about last night."
You could try that. Words have to be silly for full effect. Tonsure is a nice one. You put about 50 very stupid words in a box and everyone draws out one word at the beginning of the day and uses it.
You could also use verification words. Got one here right now that is "Linguirm". Might see if I can incorporate that in to some conversation today.
PS: Don't feel like working today either.
This pretty much describes what I did all day yesterday at work. Except the scratching myself part. I did that way more times than you.
ReplyDeleteWe have something else in common other than midget infatuation.
ReplyDeleteAnd that would be... scratching ourselves.
Hot, right?
"Your sister didn't seem to mind" is hilarious. It'll replace my "That's what she said" retort which I think is (still) so very funny though terribly out-of-date. Whatever. I'm a chick so I can get away with it. (I think.)
ReplyDeleteI have nothing to say here. Just though you'd like to know.
ReplyDeletemomo
@lucas: Glad you are easily amused. You are like the plant in the comedian's audience, laughing at all the bad jokes.
ReplyDelete@eva: Downright hot diggity dawg.
@linda: I get the Webster word of the day and used to try to use it at least once per day, but I lost interest. Perhaps I need to go your route and pick silly words. I am good at gibberish. By the way, did you ever get that linguirm removed from between your toes?
@miss y: We'd never get anything done if we 'worked' together.
@candice: It is a good thing we are both sooooo damn good looking to help overcome our deranged behaviors.
@mandy: I think you can interchange 'sister' with 'mother' when you need to mix it up a little bit.
@momo: Haha, the day you have nothing to say is the day the Cubs win the world series, pigs fly, hell freezes over and you grow up.
Awe I wish you would've pulled those out for our book club!
ReplyDeleteUh, why exactly does insulting your commenters seem like a good idea? You've been hanging around Candice too long I think! ;P
ReplyDeleteThose are hysterical and kudos to you for following through!!! You may feel like you have gotten little done but THAT is pure dedication! I have been sitting among sprawled papers all day with nothing accomplished. In due time...
ReplyDeleteHey, I think you're that guy in the back office at my work.
ReplyDeleteFor the longest time, I thought Dr. Pepper was carbonated prune juice with some other stuff added in. It's not, but I still don't drink it. But red-hots, now that's a candy.
ReplyDeleteI didn't blink while reading this entire post, and now I feel like I must be wearing contacts. I'm giving up blinking for Lent.
ReplyDeleteI think the Camera Boys have that pack of cards.
ReplyDelete