I was in Las Vegas for a few days attending a conference. I employed my add-a-day policy to all business travel and ended up sitting poolside at Hard Rock on Wednesday. It was a very stressful day. I had to go back and forth between my lounge chair and the pool to stay cool. And have you tried applying sun tan lotion to your back all by yourself? I found the best solution was to drag the chaise lounge into the pool itself and just lay on my back. Yes, that worked well, although it made listening to my ipod a risky proposition.
And then I had to decide between a fifty minute massage and the eighty. After reckless debate, I went with the eighty minute Swedish. After that, I went to Nobu for sushi and had a hell of a time deciding what to eat because everything there is freaking awesome. Somehow I managed. After dinner, I gambled, hung out in Wasted Space and gambled some more. Luckily I won my money back from the previous nights’ losses. Breaking even in Vegas on gambling is nothing to be ashamed of, so I was happy.
This conference I was at was cool. Part of it included getting to have dinner at Tony Hsieh’s house. He is the CEO of Zappos.com. If you are a woman and wear shoes, you probably know Zappos. It was pretty wild hanging out with fifty other people at this dude’s house. I was able to talk to him for only about fifteen minutes, but that is still a pretty nice opportunity for a small time ad guy to get face time with a gazillionaire web magnate and NY Times best selling author. I told him about my son’s propensity for red sparkling shoes and Twinkle Toes Sketchers (they carry them).
Another interesting thing about the Vegas trip was my hotel room. Prior to the Hard Rock, I was staying at Green Valley Ranch because that is where the conference was held. My room was on the third floor out of five. I didn’t have a good view at all (it was of another hotel wall). But it was still interesting to see a sticker on the window that said, “Emergency Exit Only.” I looked out and down to see if there was a ladder, a twisty slide, a rope, a fire pole or anything to get down except by jumping and hoping for the best. Nothing. I’d say that sure would be an emergency to go out that way.
Other findings from Vegas include:
Although it’s okay to stare at all the silicon in Vegas (for the most part), you have to remember to stop when you get back to your home city.
Sixty year old toupee wearing dudes in polyester ‘70s style clothing yelling ba-da-bing ba-da-boom at the craps table with non-stop Rodney Dangerfield-emulating banter still exist (and win more money than I do).
Cheeseburgers by the pool for breakfast (at noon) go best with vodka lemonade.
Good karma really helps you win. Tip your dealer, bellhop, waiter, maid, bathroom attendant, flying Elvis, stripper, midget, hooker, bail bondsman, bouncer, hostess with the mostest, taxi driver, limo driver, escort, masseuse (happy ending or not), hypnotist, concierge, pool boy and girl, cabana boy and girl, donkey, piano man, shuttle driver, ringmaster, wench, cable guy, tow truck driver, ski jumper, singing telegram giver, landshark, room service, circus animal remover, justice of the peace, lawyer, annulment officer, henchman, cocktail waitress, cage guy, go go dancer, plastic surgeon, tattoo artist, Tom Jones and of course don’t forget to try the veal. It works!
Three nights is plenty in Vegas.
There you have it. My trip to Vegas in a blog nutshell. I hope my lack of sleep and light wallet (food and drinks are not cheap) was worth it in order to offer these fabulous insights. Lastly, if this all sounds like too much, then just watch The Hangover and get to bed by 9p. Which is probably what I’m doing tonight.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Conversations with My Boys
My five year old and seven year old boys are pretty fun in the car. They can be irritating too, in which case I try to drown them out with the radio which usually just makes them scream at each other louder which makes me turn up the radio even louder which makes it impossible for them not to hear lyrics like from Offspring singing, “My friend’s got a girlfriend, man he hates that bitch.” I quickly change the station and hope Nirvana’s “Rape Me” isn’t on again or that ridiculous 3OH!3 song about doing the Hellen Keller and never trusting a ho.
“What’s a bitch daddy? What is rape? Is Hellen Keller a ho?” Luckily those questions haven’t come up. I try not to censor music much, but some songs need to be skipped over.
Since my kids are good road-trippers, I like to turn off the radio so we can chat. They are so entertaining. The other day, we were driving from Denver to Boulder and there was a huge lightening storm going on out Drew’s window. There were major jagged strikes to the ground in the distance. It was pretty cool. Will was counting them and at one point we were up to twelve in just five minutes. And then Will asked me where lightening comes from and the old angels roller skating just doesn’t fly with him. Of course I said, “The sky silly. Can’t you see that?” He doesn’t like those answers either. I started talking about Ben Franklin, kites, Harry Potter’s forehead and static electricity. I think I also mentioned the hockey team in Tampa Bay, cool names for dogs, tasers and the movie Grease. Much to my delight, the conversation switched to rubbing balloons on your hair. Which led to talking about how I don’t have much hair. I was just glad I didn’t have to make up where lightening comes from.
And then, “Black one!”
And Drew punched Will on the shoulder. They have been doing the Volkswagon thing. It is pretty funny. Outside of that game, if Will’s foot is partially resting on what Drew thinks is his part of the backseat, he will scream bloody murder. He may try to push Will’s foot out of the way at which point Will would scream, “Ouch, that hurt!” Then Will would give Drew a light push and Drew will start crying and tell on him even though I’m right there in the front seat turning up the volume on the radio.
But in the VW game, they can slug each other as hard as they want and they speak matter of factly about it. Huh, spellcheck doesn’t like factly. I do though, so it’s staying.
“Blue one!” *punch*
“Good one Drew!”
“Thanks Will!” And then I love how they like to recap how they made the rare sighting. “I looked out Daddy’s window and saw us pass one while you were looking at your refector.”
As I looked in the rear view mirror to see what the hell a refector is, if it has sharp edges or is made of poison and to ask how Will got one, Will said, “It’s a reflector Drew. Not a refector. What is a refector? Say it. Reflector.”
Before I could ask where Will got a bike reflector, Drew said, “RE-FECTER” with a triumphant smile.
“Noooooooo! Reflector. Say it Drew. Re-flec-tor. Reflector.”
“Reeeeeeeeeeeeeee-fector.” Drew beams at Will. I can almost see him actually push real buttons attached to Will’s soul.
“DREW! Refector isn’t even a word. Just say reflector.”
“No.”
I instinctively turn up the radio as Will says, “Daddy, oh! Red one!” *slug*
Drew takes a wallop off his shoulder and says, “Good one Will Will.”
“Daddy?” I turn up the radio even louder. “DADDY?!”
I turned off the radio. “What’s up mister?”
“Where does lightening come from?”
Shit.
“What’s a bitch daddy? What is rape? Is Hellen Keller a ho?” Luckily those questions haven’t come up. I try not to censor music much, but some songs need to be skipped over.
Since my kids are good road-trippers, I like to turn off the radio so we can chat. They are so entertaining. The other day, we were driving from Denver to Boulder and there was a huge lightening storm going on out Drew’s window. There were major jagged strikes to the ground in the distance. It was pretty cool. Will was counting them and at one point we were up to twelve in just five minutes. And then Will asked me where lightening comes from and the old angels roller skating just doesn’t fly with him. Of course I said, “The sky silly. Can’t you see that?” He doesn’t like those answers either. I started talking about Ben Franklin, kites, Harry Potter’s forehead and static electricity. I think I also mentioned the hockey team in Tampa Bay, cool names for dogs, tasers and the movie Grease. Much to my delight, the conversation switched to rubbing balloons on your hair. Which led to talking about how I don’t have much hair. I was just glad I didn’t have to make up where lightening comes from.
And then, “Black one!”
And Drew punched Will on the shoulder. They have been doing the Volkswagon thing. It is pretty funny. Outside of that game, if Will’s foot is partially resting on what Drew thinks is his part of the backseat, he will scream bloody murder. He may try to push Will’s foot out of the way at which point Will would scream, “Ouch, that hurt!” Then Will would give Drew a light push and Drew will start crying and tell on him even though I’m right there in the front seat turning up the volume on the radio.
But in the VW game, they can slug each other as hard as they want and they speak matter of factly about it. Huh, spellcheck doesn’t like factly. I do though, so it’s staying.
“Blue one!” *punch*
“Good one Drew!”
“Thanks Will!” And then I love how they like to recap how they made the rare sighting. “I looked out Daddy’s window and saw us pass one while you were looking at your refector.”
As I looked in the rear view mirror to see what the hell a refector is, if it has sharp edges or is made of poison and to ask how Will got one, Will said, “It’s a reflector Drew. Not a refector. What is a refector? Say it. Reflector.”
Before I could ask where Will got a bike reflector, Drew said, “RE-FECTER” with a triumphant smile.
“Noooooooo! Reflector. Say it Drew. Re-flec-tor. Reflector.”
“Reeeeeeeeeeeeeee-fector.” Drew beams at Will. I can almost see him actually push real buttons attached to Will’s soul.
“DREW! Refector isn’t even a word. Just say reflector.”
“No.”
I instinctively turn up the radio as Will says, “Daddy, oh! Red one!” *slug*
Drew takes a wallop off his shoulder and says, “Good one Will Will.”
“Daddy?” I turn up the radio even louder. “DADDY?!”
I turned off the radio. “What’s up mister?”
“Where does lightening come from?”
Shit.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
You Know?
You know how you go to Target to pick up a birthday card and an hour later you are $150 lighter in the wallet and you have a trunk full of things you couldn’t live without?
You know how you lay down on the couch to take a five minute rest and you wake up an hour and a half later totally disoriented and craving a bowl of cereal?
You know how you pour one bowl of Fruity Pebbles (also known as crack) and an hour later the box you had opened for the first time is empty (and then you have massive stomach cramps and vow to never do that again until next time you do it again)?
You know how you really want to eat healthy but you have kids that eat lots of chicken nuggets, hamburgers and mac and cheese so you find yourself having chicken nuggets, hamburgers and mac n cheese for dinner all the time?
You know how if you go to a Costco or Sam’s Club you somehow justify buying things in bulk you barely need one package of much less a dozen such as Q-tips, Tums, and Windex?
You know how you say you’ll just have one more and three hours later you are lit and the bartenders are yelling ‘last call’?
You know how you join the gym and go like crazy for two months and a year later you figure out your cost per work out has been something like $86?
You know how you are excited that you remembered to buy birthday cards before the actual birthdays and a month later, after the birthdays, you keep seeing those cards in your bag and vow to yourself that you will mail them tomorrow?
You know how every morning you look at your dirty car and think how much you need to get a wash and then you drive out of the garage into sunny skies but see one slightly grayish cloud on the horizon and you think rain must be coming so you better hold off on that car wash and this repeats every day like the movie Groundhog Day?
You know all those high tech gadgets you own that have amazing capabilities but you only know how to use about 12% of their capacity and features and once in awhile you think about this phenomenon when you accidentally press a button that enables your smartphone to make you toast and you think, “wow, I wonder how that happened,” and then you eat the toast and never learn anything new about all your shit?
You know how whenever you need stamps you don’t have any at all but when you don’t need any you have rolls of stamps at your office, at home, in your car, in your bag, and up your wazoo?
Well, I went to the Apple store to get a car charger for my phone and I very nearly had to say you know when you go the Apple store to buy a car charger for your phone and you come out with an iPad?
Thank goodness I had to pee so I left.
You know how you lay down on the couch to take a five minute rest and you wake up an hour and a half later totally disoriented and craving a bowl of cereal?
You know how you pour one bowl of Fruity Pebbles (also known as crack) and an hour later the box you had opened for the first time is empty (and then you have massive stomach cramps and vow to never do that again until next time you do it again)?
You know how you really want to eat healthy but you have kids that eat lots of chicken nuggets, hamburgers and mac and cheese so you find yourself having chicken nuggets, hamburgers and mac n cheese for dinner all the time?
You know how if you go to a Costco or Sam’s Club you somehow justify buying things in bulk you barely need one package of much less a dozen such as Q-tips, Tums, and Windex?
You know how you say you’ll just have one more and three hours later you are lit and the bartenders are yelling ‘last call’?
You know how you join the gym and go like crazy for two months and a year later you figure out your cost per work out has been something like $86?
You know how you are excited that you remembered to buy birthday cards before the actual birthdays and a month later, after the birthdays, you keep seeing those cards in your bag and vow to yourself that you will mail them tomorrow?
You know how every morning you look at your dirty car and think how much you need to get a wash and then you drive out of the garage into sunny skies but see one slightly grayish cloud on the horizon and you think rain must be coming so you better hold off on that car wash and this repeats every day like the movie Groundhog Day?
You know all those high tech gadgets you own that have amazing capabilities but you only know how to use about 12% of their capacity and features and once in awhile you think about this phenomenon when you accidentally press a button that enables your smartphone to make you toast and you think, “wow, I wonder how that happened,” and then you eat the toast and never learn anything new about all your shit?
You know how whenever you need stamps you don’t have any at all but when you don’t need any you have rolls of stamps at your office, at home, in your car, in your bag, and up your wazoo?
Well, I went to the Apple store to get a car charger for my phone and I very nearly had to say you know when you go the Apple store to buy a car charger for your phone and you come out with an iPad?
Thank goodness I had to pee so I left.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Badass Tattoo
I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo for way too long. I’ve been hung up on what exactly to get and where to put it. I’ve honed in on my forearm by the elbow or at my wrist. I’ve heard those are fairly painful places to have ink etched into your skin. No pain no gain, I always say. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever said that. But now that I’m a tattooed badass, no pain no gain baby.
That’s right dawg, I’m inked. It took a couple of the boys I hang with to get me to go. They were planning on getting theirs this weekend and I figured I might as well join them. I just had to decide what I wanted.
I asked my buddies what they thought I should get. One of them was getting a dragon on his calf and the other was getting a cross on his forearm. Cool shit. One of them suggested a butterfly for me. Haha. Little fucker. The other suggested a skull. Yeah, a skull sounded really good.
We headed over to the tattoo guy on Saturday around lunch time. I wanted to do this sober. My buddies were excited that I was going to join them. I told them I was a little worried about it hurting and they laughed at me.
I needed to get my guts up so I watched my homeys get theirs done first. Neither of them flinched. They made it look like a walk in the park. It was my turn. My buddies were giddy. The tattoo guy looked at me and asked if I was really going to do this. He asked if I wasn’t a little old to be getting a tattoo. I told him there is a first time for everything and maybe he ought to just give me a badass skull (before I changed my mind).
I braced myself as the tattoo artist was about to begin. Despite my pals seeming to have thoroughly enjoyed themselves, I was a little nervous. I wiped the sweat off my brow with my free arm and told the tattoo guy to have at it.
Tell you what; I don’t know what the big deal is about getting tattoos. It didn’t hurt at all. In fact, it tickled a little bit. Mine turned out totally badass.
It was done in about thirty seconds and all three tattoos cost only $12 combined. And, and, and, I got a free balloon. Not just an ordinary balloon either. It and the string are totally biodegradable. Check it out.
Badass with a balloon, baby.
Okay, maybe it was just a walk in the park to the festival with my boys Will and Drew on a really hot day that made my brow sweat. And after being in the pool all weekend, my skull has already almost faded away. But we were badass, man.
That’s right dawg, I’m inked. It took a couple of the boys I hang with to get me to go. They were planning on getting theirs this weekend and I figured I might as well join them. I just had to decide what I wanted.
I asked my buddies what they thought I should get. One of them was getting a dragon on his calf and the other was getting a cross on his forearm. Cool shit. One of them suggested a butterfly for me. Haha. Little fucker. The other suggested a skull. Yeah, a skull sounded really good.
We headed over to the tattoo guy on Saturday around lunch time. I wanted to do this sober. My buddies were excited that I was going to join them. I told them I was a little worried about it hurting and they laughed at me.
I needed to get my guts up so I watched my homeys get theirs done first. Neither of them flinched. They made it look like a walk in the park. It was my turn. My buddies were giddy. The tattoo guy looked at me and asked if I was really going to do this. He asked if I wasn’t a little old to be getting a tattoo. I told him there is a first time for everything and maybe he ought to just give me a badass skull (before I changed my mind).
I braced myself as the tattoo artist was about to begin. Despite my pals seeming to have thoroughly enjoyed themselves, I was a little nervous. I wiped the sweat off my brow with my free arm and told the tattoo guy to have at it.
Tell you what; I don’t know what the big deal is about getting tattoos. It didn’t hurt at all. In fact, it tickled a little bit. Mine turned out totally badass.
It was done in about thirty seconds and all three tattoos cost only $12 combined. And, and, and, I got a free balloon. Not just an ordinary balloon either. It and the string are totally biodegradable. Check it out.
Badass with a balloon, baby.
Okay, maybe it was just a walk in the park to the festival with my boys Will and Drew on a really hot day that made my brow sweat. And after being in the pool all weekend, my skull has already almost faded away. But we were badass, man.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)