In unison, “What is a Renaissance Festival?” Except Drew said Red Sauce Festival.
“It is people pretending they live in medieval times. They dress up and talk funny.”
In unison, “What is medieval?” Except Drew said midval.
“It is when there were kings, queens, princes, princesses, knights, jesters, dragons, wizards, and all kinds of interesting people. Do you want to go?”
“Yeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh! Can we dress up,” asked Will?
“Oh Daddy, can I bring my sword,” Drew screamed a little too psychotically for my liking. It was as if for years he has been looking for a good opportunity to wield a sword in public and has finally struck gold.
“Yes, you guys can dress up. But it might be hot and I’m telling you right now I’m not carrying your stuff around if you get tired of wearing it.”
I looked in the rear view mirror and saw Will smiling ear to ear. “Daddy, I bet kids will dress up as princesses. I sure would like to, but they may not be ready for a boy as a princess.”
In a low sort of man-voice, Drew announced, “I’m going to bring my sword!!”
“Yeah, Will, there will probably be princesses there. I’m not sure how happy you would be in a dress anyway. It will be hot.”
“Maybe I’ll just wear my Wizard cape and hat. What are you going to wear daddy?”
“I am going to wear a big smile, a glorious attitude, and clean underwear.”
“Daddy!” Laughing. “We are going to wear dirty underwear! With poop in it!”
The ensuing conversation remained in the bathroom for about ten minutes. I have to say I haven’t been to one of these things since I moved to Colorado fifteen years ago. I have a loose rule about not attending venues that sell giant drumsticks. It just tends to draw a demographic I don't really fit into. I guess I'm a festival snob. Inevitably those same places sell food on sticks. Unless it’s a popsicle or ice cream, I can’t think of anything that should be eaten off a stick. But for the sake of the boys getting to do something new and different, I knew I had to make an exception.
Saturday came along and we made the hour commute to medieval times. It felt like a long drive down I-25 more than time travel, but sure enough, we arrived within the walls of a castle full of odd talking and looking souls. I wasn’t quite prepared for the heavy adult spin on everything. There was a lot of boobage. And the little shows they did were filled with sexual innuendo. Prince Charming and Prince Dashing are little man-whores.
There were lots of cool kid focused things though. The boys enjoyed getting dragon tears from a fairy. As you can see, they decided not to get dressed up after all.
Isn’t she cute? Of course she wanted a dollar for the pictures and dragon tears which I was happy to give. But man, every ‘character’ in the festival wanted a handout if you even made eye contact with them. I’ve had less pressure at strip clubs to fork out singles.
At the end of the day, we watched one more show. It was called the Washing Well Wenches. Commonly referred to as the Wenches Show. Dad of the Year, I am.
“What is a wench daddy?”
“Um, those two ladies right there.”
“Why are they wenches?”
“Are you thirsty? Who wants a root beer?!”
In unison, “I do!”
“Wait daddy, why are their teeth blacked out? Is that real?”
“If you think it’s real, then it is.”
The wenches put on a funny show that involved getting the audience wet with their laundry. But it was indeed filled with innuendo and some pretty direct propositioning of various men in the crowd. Even though I was sitting there with my two kids, they made a comment to me along the lines of, “Hey handsome, feel free to let us wash your clothes,” while they made some crazy tongue action that I haven’t seen since watching the movie Porky’s.
"Daddy! She called you handsome! Why did she stick her tongue out though?"
"Have some more root beer, son."
At the end of their show, they picked four guys from the crowd and had them do silly things to earn a rose to give to their women. It was funny and the kids actually laughed a lot. The show ended and as we were walking out, Will said, “Daddy, you don’t have anyone to give a flower to, do you?”
I looked at him and said, “No son, I guess I don’t.”
He said, “Its okay. I don’t either. And neither does Drew.”
“It’s just us guys right now, huh? You think that’s cool?”
“Yeah daddy. Don’t worry,” and he held my hand.
I love the way you do things with your boys and the conversations you share with us. Awesome Dad, you are!
ReplyDeleteOh, that last line.
ReplyDeleteWow, those festivals sure have changed. Glad your kids like root beer. Very funny !
ReplyDeleteHello anti kebab man ... the closest I have ever gotten to a red sauce festival is attending the Dragon Convention in ATL recently with my most recent EXB who is a red sauce festival fan. I was thoroughly entertained, but not moved to join their movement.
ReplyDeleteAhhhh...the debauchery of the Renn Fair--a veritable festival of buxom lasses.....a damn fine way to spend the afternoon! Just be wary--the boys will be calling your neighbors "wenches" on halloween.
ReplyDelete"Red Sauce".....HAH!
I still want to know what a wench is. ;)
ReplyDeleteYour boys are adorable, dirty poop underwear and all.
It's good the most of the adult humor goes right over their heads, and there's still plenty for them to laugh at. And it's wonderful that Will is looking out for you. The three of you are so kind to one another, it's beautiful.
ReplyDelete@eva: I appreciate you bothering to read about it all the time.
ReplyDelete@steph: I knew you'd get right to the crux of the story.
@fishy: Root beer gets me out of all kinds of tight situations.
@lickety: Kabobs don't count cuz you push the goodies off the stick before you eat them! What in the world is a dragon convention?
@chantel: Its funny, they say the part they liked the least was the wenches.
@candice: You know what wenches are. You like to rent the circus midget and wench porn.
@blissed: He has no idea how much he looks out for me sometimes.
ReplyDeleteWe have one of those throw back to the Renaissance fair thingies out here in Oregon also, the Oregon Country Fair. But their time machine didn't make it all the way, apparently getting stuck in 1962.
ReplyDeleteSo yeah, lots of bra-less topless hippie types and with plenty of "innuendo" thrown in as well. Fun for the whole family and a great instigator of awkward questions from the pre-adolescents.
Wish they would have had stuff like that back when I was a kid!
Wow: :) I'm proud of me (and you).
ReplyDeleteYou know what's going to be super cool? Still reading about you and your sons when they're teens.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me want to take Cracky to the RennFest this fall.
ReplyDeleteAnd what a sweet ending.
*SIGH*
Oh, I went to that last year and had a blast. You could have asked me to go and then you would have had someone to give your rose to. geesh!
ReplyDeleteThis was so sweet, the ending particularly. Those Ren faire people freak me the eff out. But your boys are so handsome and this was just a perfect post.
ReplyDeleteI thought you would never ask ;) Not really, but I have to say the Dragon Con was cool even for a non character type like me. So, I'm gonna share their promo:
ReplyDelete"Dragon*Con is the largest multi-media, popular culture convention focusing on science fiction and fantasy, gaming, comics, literature, art, music, and film in the universe!
This year, Dragon*Con will be held Labor Day weekend (September 3–6, 2010) in Atlanta, GA."
Isn't every man looking for an opportunity to wield his sword in public?
ReplyDeleteI think maybe you should go on the next Bachelorette. I'm sure you'd get a rose there. :)
@robert: What a great idea - a hippie fair! I'd put on some rose colored sunglasses and be there for sure!
ReplyDelete@steph: Yah, some people might think this blog is about a Renaissance Fair. It would be interesting to read my son's blogs if they ever do them someday.
@mindy: It is great kid entertainment despite the raunchy adult spin. What kid doesn't like to play in fantasy land?
@danielle: Yeah but you might have hurt my chances to score with a wench.
@steamy: Why thank you. It is a freak show, but that is part of the fun.
@lickety: Speaking of freak shows! Sounds interesting. Do a blog on it and post pictures.
@mel: Yes, if we can free things up, we get happy. And you know what I mean by happy. As for the Bachelorette, maybe if they have a wench version.
Doh! Sorry for the typo MANDY!
ReplyDeleteomg look at those little DOLL faces!
ReplyDeleteEverything is more fun with Root Beer and a sword :-)
Awww! That's so sweet that you took your munchkins to a Ren Fair... being a festival snob like yourself I would not be caught dead within a ten mile radius of that kind of thing but whatever ;) The real crux of my post, though, is did Drew bring his sword? And if so, did he rescue any maidens, thwart any evil-doers, or battle any dragons?
ReplyDeleteYou can always give me flowers.
ReplyDeleteCrikey, that fairy thing looks different to how I recall fairies. Or is she a wood nymph?
ReplyDeleteYears ago my son went to a friend's fairy party and they had a fairy princess visit. She looked like a playboy bunny. It was so unbelievable. All pink fru fru and big, big boobies. For the first time, the fathers all stayed at the party.
Nice things you do with your boys.
Your sons are so adorable and your relationship with them is wonderful to read about!
ReplyDeleteawww...I liked your post as always, but what then when your boys grow up and they find someone to give roses to? What about you honey? You're a great dad!
ReplyDelete@candy: Yep. And after drinking all that root beer, the boys had fun 'crossing swords' during their pee-fest in the parking lot (it was in a big field).
ReplyDelete@red: See, you know all the lingo - you should go! Drew got a shield at the fest and used it mostly as a battering ram against me and Will. We are both a little bruised and tired of the little monster's antics!
@lizzy: Your generousity is under whelming. :)
@linda: Now that you mention it, maybe she was a nymph. That would go more with the underlying sexual theme of it all. And perhaps explain why she kept batting her eyes at me (for a buck).
@ericka: Thanks, glad you think so. I'm just trying not to screw them up.
@cassie: That is indeed the question. Who do I give a rose to?
Hey, I know that fairy!
ReplyDeleteI'm here from a link of a link, and I was scrollin' down and saw that picture and went heyyyy!
My husband is friends with a few faire-y types (itinerant musicians that work at all the renfests) and they hang out with this fairy. And I know/knew her name but I forgot, which makes this a FAIL of a post comment. But, I'm cool because I know her. Kinda.
:-D
Did they have Doktor Kaboom at your Ren Faire? If not, you missed out. http://doktorkaboom.com/
@della: That is crazy! I was telling my friends that I thought she wanted me. And then I wondered how old she is and was worried I really am a dirty old man.
ReplyDeleteAwww! Your boys seem to be pretty smart, I just started reading your blog and not sure how old your boys are but I think that you give them opportunities to express them selves and are open in an age appropriate way!
ReplyDelete