Decisions

People have to make decisions every day. Some are easy, some are hard. Like women and men. Ha, that was funny. To me. Anyway, some people make snap decisions, others waver, and some people just can’t decide what to do. In those moments of cluelessness, people can turn to decision making aids such as the coin flip, the magic eight ball, a friend, the wise man in the cave on top of the mountain, darts, or flat out delegation.

Well, in what I think may be one of modern day’s greatest inventions, I have found the perfect solution to decision making.



I found this tablet while I was looking for a Congratulations card for my friend that lost a relative or maybe it was a Get Well Soon card for her birthday or maybe it was a Sympathy card for her achievement or maybe it was a Happy Anniversary card because I was thinking of her or maybe it was a Graduation card for her pending divorce. I just can’t remember anymore because this decision making tool has consumed my warped mind.

It has all the necessary fields. First you clearly note the dilemma. Then you record the date, mark the confidentiality, commit to a decision deadline and track the urgency which is conveniently available at three different levels.

Next is the fun part. Pros and Cons followed up by a tally of results, conclusion and plan of action. Finally, the most satisfying moment is getting to check the Problem Solved box.

Since I got so sidetracked in buying the Newborn Congrats card for my friend that doesn’t like babies, I decided to test out the decision making tablet with a dilemma of her choice. And it was a good one! The dilemma is:

Should I give my husband’s old girlfriend his new girlfriend’s Uggs to keep forever?

After marking it confidential because her daughter actually wore the Uggs home and she didn’t want the kid to know that she might be giving the Uggs away, my friend gave it medium urgency because she had a day to decide what to do.

The Pros:

• It is always better to give than receive. This is very thoughtful of the wife

• They would look better on the old girlfriend's feet than in the wife's garbage can where the dog would be sure to get them and eat them

• It will give the wife pleasure for some reason

• It's a good story

• The old girlfriend has no walking shoes at the wife’s house so this will help her

• It will be a good lesson for the husband’s new girlfriend to learn that she needs to watch her shit around the husband’s house, especially when the wife’s daughter has the same size feet

• The husband’s old girlfriend can't ever say you don't ever give her anything

• Maybe this is a good new way to get your friends gifts. Encourage your daughter to borrow jewelry next time

• I will be able to save some of my child support money by asking my daughter to borrow her clothes

• Perhaps now that she has warm weather shoes here I can get the old girlfriend to take out my garbage, rake some leaves and white wash my fence

The Cons:

• They may not be the exact color or style if you were actually purchasing these for your husband’s old girlfriend

• The dog needs to eat

• The husband will have to buy his new girlfriend a new pair and this will make him less apt to pay for the pair I bought today because Nordstrom's wouldn't take mine back

• Although it is a good story it makes me appear crazy

• If the masseuse comes over and has no shoes on I will have nothing to offer her

• The new girlfriend might have stinky feet

• It is unclear who the old girlfriend should send the thank you note to

• The new girlfriend might catch a cold because she has no shoes, give it to the husband and I will have to hear him complain about being sick

At this point, we decided to tally the results and came up with ten Pros versus eight Cons. We concluded that ten is greater than eight; therefore the plan of action was to give her husband’s new girlfriend’s Uggs to her husband’s old girlfriend.

And then I checked the Problem Solved box. This was very pleasing.

As a public service to you, I’d be happy to help you with your dilemma since I have this handy problem solving tablet. What is your dilemma? To work out or lay on the couch? To hit on the babysitter? To wear underwear? To drink at work? Where to punch your boss? Tell me! We can mark it urgent and have your problem solved by dinner time.

Twinkle Toes - UPDATED

There is a story about my boy Will that I will never forget. And every time it fades away to just a fond memory of a slice of his little innocent life, it resurfaces in all its glory and still tugs at my heart strings. I wrote about this incident years ago and then re-posted when I started writing here on blogger. Here is the link if you want to go back in time. Sparkly Red Shoes

Will is almost seven years old. He is in first grade. He is brilliant. Every parent has brilliant kids, right? Both of my boys are awesome. But I have to say there is something special about Will. I really think he will do something outstanding some day. Something that will help make the world a better place. Or a happier place. In the meantime, he is just a kid. A smart kid, but a kid nonetheless.

Will still prefers to hang out with the girls. And although Will does like some sports and certainly loves to rough-house, he is happiest trying on his mom’s fancy shoes, playing dress-up, and wearing pretty baubles. Put it this way, the least surprising news of the century would be to find out someday that Will is gay. But I also would not be surprised if he is simply the most metro-sexual guy in the world or a total ladies man. I’m telling you, the girls swoon over him. They all want to marry him. And he claims he is going to marry one of them, have kids and move back to our old house.

There is nothing more joyous than a happy child. At their age, they don’t have many cares in the world. They don’t have much stress. They are so innocent and unpolluted. And they are a new generation. My kids are growing up in a different world than the one I did. And a completely different world than the one my parents grew up in. So far, it doesn’t look like any kids care that Will likes pink and pretty things. Even the older kids don’t seem to make anything of it. Maybe the raised eyebrows and elements of fear that even I sometimes get are simply aspects of my generation and others before me. I just don’t want Will to get teased or picked on for being who he is. So far so good.

Will has his own unique flavor. He knows what he likes. It’s not a question of how he will turn out. That is ridiculous. He is my boy that I love unconditionally. He is himself and that is perfect. He has tons of friends. He is a happy kid.

So when we went to buy him and Drew new shoes yesterday, I warned Will that I had final say over his selection. He was raving about the Twinkle Toes Sketchers that his friends; his girlfriends, were wearing at school.

They were what I thought they’d be.



I told him to find the darkest pair because these would be his primary shoes and they are going to get dirty. Drew happily grabbed some black shoes with toes that light up when he stomps on the ground and proceeded to run around the store while Will carefully pondered the difficult decision. I showed Will all kinds of more boyish shoes that had streaks of silver or other shiny features. I may as well have been asking him to eat broccoli.

I don’t know why I still hesitate during moments like this. Will clearly was enamored with this pair of shoes and was silently praying to the Gods he knows nothing about that I wouldn’t crush his fashion dreams. I went as far to take this picture and send it to his mom questioning whether or not I should let him have these shoes. As soon as I hit ‘send’ I came to my senses. I didn’t wait for her opinion. I told him of course he could have those shoes if that is what he really wanted. I focused on the fit and functionality and he assured me they are perfect.

The boys wore their shoes out of the store and we got a bite to eat. As we left dinner, an older woman noticed Will’s shoes and said, “Wow.” She was smiling. Will beamed.

This morning, as I was still getting ready for the day, Will and Drew bounded up the stairs already dressed and wearing their new shoes. Both of them bombarded me with chatter about their cool new kicks and how they couldn’t wait to get to school today.

I checked out Will in his pretty Twinkle Toes shoes and you know what? He looked pretty darn cool; hip even. I decided that I love his shoes too. Not necessarily because the shoes are growing on me (although they are). I love his shoes because he loves them.

********UPDATE***********

I was sad to be texted on Friday by the still significant other that the other kids made fun of Will at school. It was more than one and it happened throughout the day. In fact, one of my buddies was picking up his kids and he saw it happening on the playground. Luckily it was a half day for some reason.

The good news is Will still wanted to wear his shoes back to school on Monday. And he wanted to wear them all weekend long. A wise friend told me about her son getting pierced ears around the same age and that when some kid made fun of him, he was smart enough to realize it was the kid's problem if he didn't like his pierced ears. I asked Will how he felt and he said okay. He even said some friends stuck up for him. I asked him if he knew that the kids teasing were just being mean and its their problem if they don't like your shoes, not your problem. He said yes, and he wants to wear them back. I told him to remember this though and that he shouldn't tease kids or they might feel how he did. He said he wouldn't. And then we said maybe the shoes should just be for around home and with his friends. He protested.

I want to protect my son. Is this one of those times I should take the easy route and not put him in that spot again? Or do I let him prove he doesn't care what other kids think? I don't know. But I'm afraid a full day of school with more kids getting a shot at him is not necessary. I'm thinking a happy medium where the situation is a little more controlled is better. His mom feels the same.

I guess we'll see how it plays out in the morning. So far, whenever Will has felt strongly about something, we have let him go for it.

Weekend Amusement

So yah, there is some heavy stuff going on in my life. But there are good things too. And sometimes the little things can make the big things easier to handle. I was solo last weekend and I took advantage of having zero responsibilities and obligations to do stuff that makes me happy. Clearly the intelligence factor of this blog is low while it’s littered with “things” and “stuff.” But that is the point. It doesn’t take much to appreciate life, even if the humor may be at someone else’s expense. At this point, I’m looking out for myself.

I was open to noticing the little things. Stuff other people may just ignore. And in a couple instances, I was a participant and chose to make it an amusing moment. I wrote these down in my newly started journal, more of a tablet really, in a nice leather binding, inspired by a lunatic. Here they are:

1. Friday night, I was walking along 16th Street Mall; our city’s pedestrian street of shops, restaurants, bars and beggars. I saw two sizeable fat guys coming toward me. They seemed excited. Their pace picked up. One fat guy smacked the other fat guy across the shoulder and said, “There it is! Let’s eat!” I looked to see the establishment of their hurried desire – Good Times – a local fast food hamburger chain. This whole scenario made me happy.

2. The next morning, a guy at the breakfast counter asked what is in a Denver Omelet. I said, “Eggs.” I smugly continued reading the paper.

3. The word ‘achievement.’ It has a nice blanket appeal to whatever someone accomplishes. Hallmark really ought to make a whole line of cards celebrating one’s achievements.

4. When I buy Red Stripe, which I did over the weekend, I can’t help saying “Yeah mon” the rest of the night.

5. I saw a family walk out of Taco Bell. The mom made her mom (the granny) and the kids stop so she could take a picture of them all in front of the Taco Bell sign. This pleased me greatly.

6. A twenty something beggar said, “I don’t want to bother you…” and I interrupted and said, “Then don’t!” I took a few steps and felt bad. I turned around to the stunned beggar face and gave him my fricking change. This was satisfying.

The Boobs Know

I recently went on a guy’s trip to Austin. A friend of mine turned 40 (which is the new 30 which means I am really only 32) and he chose the city of music for a celebratory getaway. Four of us flew out together. We had our first cocktails on the plane around 9:30am. They were doubles. Our next round was at the Austin airport before we picked up our baggage. Our first stop before checking into the house we rented was along 6th Street.

We parked and walked into the bar we just happened to be in front of. It was called Bikini Sports Bar. It was like a local Hooters. The all female staff was dressed in tiny shorts and bikini tops. The four of us bellied up to the corner of the bar where Kendra took our orders. Kendra was sporting a ginormous rack of which we debated the authenticity. The debate concluded with me just asking her the status. Two of us (including me) voted real, the other two fake. Real won. Kendra was 22, blonde, bubbly and was probably dealing with an instant stereotype of hot dingbat. Believe me; I have a purpose with all this.

One of the guys in our group isn’t all that close to me but had been becoming better friends as my soon to be ex wife and I got to know him and his wife more. So he was a little shocked about the news of my pending divorce. He warned me on the plane that he had questions and I told him to bring it. So finally at the Bikini Bar at 2p in the afternoon with all of us already buzzed and Kendra hanging out by us, Daren started grilling me. The other guys seemed a little uncomfortable thinking I didn’t want to talk about it and also thinking Kendra should go look at something shiny and leave us alone. I told them I’m totally fine with it and that Kendra can listen and pipe in if she wants – it is what it is.

Instead of stating the details of the questions and the answers, the point I want to make is that yes, there is sadness. And this is a difficult time for me and my family. But this is a good thing. I will be a better man, father, friend, business owner and person for it. My wife will be fine. My kids will be fine, and better off with this happening now than later. And you know what? I’m really looking forward to the future. There are great things ahead. And you know what else? I have lots of happiness in my life right now.

The natural reaction of anyone when facing a guy like me going through a divorce is to furrow the brow, make a serious face and express their sorrow. Eye contact sometimes wavers, people don’t know what else to say, and there is an aura of discomfort.

There are exceptions. Let’s bring back Kendra the bouncy bubbly bartending babe. She heard about 85% of the conversation. We tabbed out and as I got up, Kendra said, “Hey, you will be fine. Congratulations.” I nearly hopped over the bar to give her a hug. She is still one of the few people to respond that way. I wouldn’t have guessed she’d be the source of that kind of outlook.

Want to know what else was cool about the Bikini Bar? Besides the fake-real debates? Lone Star Beer does those pictogram puzzles on the back of their bottle caps. My first Lone Star cap had some partial words along with pictures of a purse, suit, pin, etc. The point is, the puzzle answer was, “The pursuit of happiness.” Perfect.

Don’t cry for me Australia. I mean Argentina. I’m on a new journey of my choosing. I don’t know for sure where I’m going, but I sure as hell will have fun finding out.

What's Up?

I never thought the answers to the obligatory questions, “How are you” and “What’s going on” would be so complicated. A lot of times people ask and aren’t listening for the answer because they expect to hear “Great” and “Not much.” And on the flip side, the responder to the questions sometimes is so numb to it that they reverse the answers and say “Not much” to the “How are you” question.

Often times these questions are the smallest of small talk, asked innocently yet without regard for the answer as two people pass on the street, talk on the phone, or begin a business meeting.

So what do you say when your dad died, you ran over the cat and you are going bankrupt? “Fine.” “Oh, just the usual.” Those things haven’t happened to me. All I have going on is a divorce. And a big Boggle tournament coming soon. But other than that, you know, “Great” and “Not much.” Unless I feel like really telling someone how I’m doing and what is new, they are going to get the bullshit answers.

Lately, I’ve thought about running the gambit on answers. What is a gambit anyway? I better go look it up. Hmm, I’m not sure that makes sense now that I know the definition. Mom! The meatloaf!

Anyway, I have thought about saying, “Not great pal. I’m getting divorced and am in the middle of a major life transition that is stressful on about eleventeen different levels.” Or, “Great! I’m following my heart and chasing my dreams!” Or, “I’m fine, but I’m worried about my kids and soon to be ex wife.” Or, “Fabulous! I’ve got the future to look forward to and I have never been more excited.” Or, “Hey, I’m just happy I’m not you.” Or, I’d put my hand on the asker’s shoulder; look him, her or it in the eye and say, “We need to talk. Don’t look at me! Look at me. There has been a change in plans. The codeword is amethyst.” Or, “The children kicked Pete in the ribs as they got on the bus.” Or, “Fuck off mother fucker.”

But mostly I’ve just been saying, “Fine, thanks. Life is going on. How are you?” And that seems to work just fine.

But then with the people who know; they are nice to check in and see how things are going. I can’t bullshit them. But it’s still the same feeling. I don’t want to get into it every time somebody asks. I don’t need to mope around about this. There is sadness of course. And there is stress. And there is happiness and good things happening too. I’m not going to sit around and cry, nor am I going to dance in the streets. You see, I’m living in the moment. And honestly, the moment is good. Life is good. There are tough spots. But those moments will pass and a new moment will surface.

Next time somebody asks “How are you doing” or “What’s new,” maybe you should ask if they really want to know. Unless they are just doing the smallest of small talk. In which case I suggest you select one of my answers that pertains most closely to you.

And if you are doing the asking, the smallest of small talk is fine. It really is. But when you have some quality time with the person you are asking, pay close attention. Don’t take “Fine” and “Not much” for an answer. Ask them again. You might get a surprise.

So, where does that leave us? Unfortunately the answer isn’t Bali. Not yet. In the meantime, thanks to those of you that read the last blog and expressed your thoughts and support. Others emailed and some sent telepathic messages. Everything was warmly received.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned lately is to prioritize where I spend my energy. That energy is focused on those loved ones closest to me. And of course on myself too. Which makes it sound like I am making love to myself. Um, so, if I’m out of touch, slow to respond or never respond at all, well, it’s nothing personal. I’m just choosing to keep it simple where I can.

Stick of buttah, quart of milk, loaf of bread. Yeah, that works.