I Thought I Did This Part Already

Is this thing on? It’s awfully quiet around here. And there is dust on my keyboard. That can happen when you live solo again.

Things don’t just clean up by themselves. I finally decided to put my dirty clothes inside the washer instead of just near it. A couple days later I found some detergent left by the old tenants and decided to put that in the washer too. I pressed a button or two and holy shit, that machine started right up! I didn’t even put in any quarters! A day or two later I put the damp clothes in the dryer and even found some leftover Bounce from the old tenants too. I pressed the button and again, no quarters needed! And since I was in my own condo, I decided I didn’t really need to put a chair in front of the dryer and sing ‘Watchin’ the laundry go round, watchin’ the laundry go round,” while I read a magazine. I mean, the washer and dryer is right off my kitchen and living room, so I could microwave some Spaghetti O’s and watch Sponge Bob from the comfort of my couch that I inherited from the old tenants as well.

I ignored the walk-in closet full of clothes and bedding still packed smartly in black lawn bags. They are the big kind with the drawstrings. They always talk about the amount of garbage and leaves you can pack in those things without them breaking. What about my t-shirts, socks and mismatched towel sets? I could be a great spokesperson for Hefty and I’m not talking about my waistline.

I was pretty excited when I went to the bank and got my own checking account. $500 dollars baby! Which I cleverly turned into $550 by accepting the $50 cash gift instead of taking an iPod Shuffle. Why would I take a free $50 Shuffle when I can spend $150 for a Nano the day before anyway? Stupid bankers. They act like money doesn’t grow on trees. Money is made out of paper. Paper comes from trees. Duh!

And they sent me a checkbook, something I haven’t used since well before the days of auto-bill pay, PayPal, and credit/debit cards. Apparently I can take things from stores and restaurants in exchange for writing on and autographing these cute little checks. How awesome is that? They sent me like 1,000 of these things!! I had no idea about this type of currency! I saw a kid selling lemonade so I wrote him a check for seventy five cents. I figured I’d miss these checks less than I’d miss my cash so what the heck.

Now I just need to get some concert posters and maybe some swimsuit model ones too. Oh and some sort of flag draped on the ceiling. I think the chicks dig flags. I am looking for a Chicago Bears helmet lamp and can’t wait to put a Nerf hoop on the door.

I went to the grocery store and stocked up on condiments and beer. Then I realized I had nothing to put the condiments on, nor anything to wash down with the beer. So I went aisle by aisle wondering what the hell to get, realizing that I didn’t want any fresh stuff without having cooking plans and that I didn’t really know what other ingredients to have on hand for spur of the moment meals. I began to wonder how healthy it is to live on cereal when I came to what will surely be my primary aisle of grocery shopping.



I stocked up on ‘healthy’ frozen meals which basically means the portions made for midgets (I love midgets!) can’t really hurt me with bad fats and mass calories although I do have processed food, additives and preservatives to pollute this temple of a body. Good thing I’m not home much to have to eat this crap!

So it has come to this. I am 42 years old and back in a bachelor pad. I have a successful business, two awesome kids, a very sweet soon to be ex wife, and a giant house for them to live in, while I decide if four bowls in the cupboard is enough, how long to leave my stuff in garbage bags before organizing them in a closet or perhaps even some sort of containing unit (like a dresser), wondering how many pay cable channels are too many, and eyeballing this strange device in the closet that I thought the primary use was for witches and Harry Potter but somehow it seems linked to a mysterious contraption known as a dustpan.

I wander around my two bedroom condo and think about how I got to where I am today. People ask if I am lonely and if I feel weird living like a kid right out of college. I was lonely before. And dude, this condo has granite counter tops! And a private community center with a full gym, a heated year round rooftop pool, hot tubs and fire pit.

And best of all, my condo has a second bedroom with bunk beds in it. My boys love it. They love having two homes. We had so much fun this past weekend, despite them having moments of evil activity that caused me to look for gypsies willing to take them off my hands.

I don’t mind scrounging for dishes, lugging my shit around in garbage bags, and overpaying for movie channels I will rarely watch. I’ve got a family that has changed in logistics, but a family nonetheless. A great family. I am lucky.

Come on over to my crib and celebrate with me. Please bring some beer and food. And feel free to help with the laundry. That shit doesn’t fold itself you know.