It was a fun weekend with my boys. We invited neighbors over for a cookout Saturday night. Will decided to speak with his British accent for a good portion of it. Drew demonstrated his neck-farting skills.
The neighbors commented on our Talent Show from earlier in the afternoon. Apparently they can see very easily into our backyard from their kitchen. Will had set up a judge’s table complete with scoring and a trophy while Drew and I were the contestants. Round One was dancing and I did a fabulous performance of Bohemian Rhapsody (I am a Bohunk after all) that included some sweet air-guitar with a tennis racket and quite a bit of jumping around on patio furniture.
Drew did a freaky looking dance to Katy Perry’s Peacock song that included retarded (politically correctness be damned) birdlike moves with his lower lip pulled down over his chin. Somehow Drew scored more points than me in Round One which I call bullshit on – how can a pigeon head-move with shuffling feet and T-Rex arms be better than me screaming, “Scaramouch scaramouch, will you do the fandango, thunderbolt and lightening, very very frightening…” while standing on the built-in grill and rocking out the tennis racket?!!
Round Two was singing. Drew went first this time and did a serviceable version of Sweet Dreams. He is no Annie Lennox but I have to admit he had good patio stage presence. Plus the judge was singing along and that is always a good thing. The pressure was on as I am the world’s worst singer. So I of course went as loud as possible. Go big or go home. I did Row Your Boat but improvised the lyrics for the second go-round to be sure they included throwing Drew overboard while Will was fed candy and milkshakes. I kept it going and I think the judge looked favorably on my version with lines like, “Row row row your boat gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily, while we hear Drew scream…”
My rendition was indeed warmly received by the judge and although I wasn’t in the lead overall, I did close the gap on my worthy opponent. I smiled at the judge while I whispered to Drew that he was going down like poo in the toilet and between laughs he tried to tell me I am poo or something like that.
The last round was Wild Card – we could do any talent we wanted. I was first so I went with an easy kid crowd-pleaser. Juggling. I used to be pretty good at it, but surprisingly there are not many reasons to randomly juggle shit, so I have lost some of my skills. I was good enough to do golf balls though. And then I made it really tough on Drew by doing a golf ball, racquetball and football. I was going to dip them all in gasoline and light them on fire next but the judge cut me off.
I figured Drew would do neck farting, but Will and his refined personality (British accent and all) made that a risky endeavor for my competitor and he knew it. So instead, he picked up three racquetballs (kids are such fucking copycats) and proceeded to do some sort of drop and catch game that was about as talented as a Kardashian.
I politely applauded Drew’s lame-ass talent show and told him second place isn’t bad. The judge told us to calm down while he tallied the results. I have no idea how he put points to the whole thing but somehow Drew won 81 to 77. Fucking horseshit! The little peacock punk was excited though so I was a good sport and congratulated him by tackling him in the grass and tickling him until he said he was a monkey’s bottom.
So yeah, the neighbors apparently watched the show too. I’m sure they haven’t called us weird at all. We had talked about alternating cookouts throughout the summer. I’m sure they will have plenty. I’m not sure we will be on the guest list but perhaps they will hire us to entertain.